A detachment of US Marines are conducting jungle warfare training in the Congo, and one night around the campfire, the Congolese troops they’re training with tell the Marines the tale of a cave in the middle of the jungle, filled with golden treasure but guarded by a fearsome monster.

According to the local soldiers, the cave is filled with the treasures of an ancient African king, but a sorcerer used his arcane powers to create an unholy creature to guard it. She was formed from a mix of human, gorilla, chimpanzee, and baboon, and stands seven feet tall, enormously strong. She has long locks of matted hair covering her face, tearing fangs, razor sharp talons, pendulous breasts, and is covered in coarse fur. Dropping their voices to a whisper, they tell the Marines that she doesn’t kill the men who come to seek the treasure, but seizes them and mates with them, scarring their bodies and minds for life.

The Marines are intrigued by this legend, and the slim possibility that there might be actual gold in the cave that superstition prevents the locals from claiming. So the next morning they have the Congolese troops guide them through the jungle, until they come to the mouth of the notorious cave. They pause outside to consider their tactics, figuring that although the legend is surely an exaggeration, there may be some dangerous animal inside.

A private steps up, and tells the others that he enlisted to escape his tough city neighborhood where he got in fights every day of his life, and people risked everything for a chance to get ahead, so he figures he’s willing to face danger to get the gold. He takes a deep breath, marches confidently into the cave, and within seconds the Marines hear roaring and shouting, then passionate moaning and terrified shrieking, and then the private comes running out of the cave, stark naked, collapses in front of them and curls up in a ball.

The shocked Marines realize that maybe there is some truth to the legend, and again confer. A sergeant steps up, and he’s a hardcore gym rat, was the star quarterback in high school, and is a martial arts enthusiast, so he figures he can take on whatever is inside. He strips off his blouse, flexes his rippling muscles, cricks his neck, and marches into the cave. Again the Marines hear roaring and shouting, then passionate moaning and terrified shrieking, and the sergeant comes tearing out of the cave, fully nude, and runs screaming into the jungle.

Now the Marines are getting nervous, and not sure this treasure is even worth pursuing. But up steps their crusty old Gunnery Sergeant. He’s a former Force Recon operator, been deployed all over the world, seen more firefights then they’ve had hot meals, and he’s going to show these devil-pups how it’s done. He strips down to just his tighty-whities and his boots, he’s just covered in Marine Corps tattoos, and he spits on his hands and runs into the cave shouting “oorah!”

The Marines hear roaring and shouting, and then over the passionate moaning they hear the Gunny shouting “get it off, get it off!” The Marines rush into the cave, and there indeed is a fearsome monster, seven feet tall, flowing matted locks, fangs, talons, exactly as described. She’s got the Gunny on his back on the floor, and she’s riding his junk cowgirl-style as she howls with delight.

The Marines run up and grab her arms, struggling to pull her off, and the Gunny bellows “stop! What the hell are you doing?”

The Marines reply “but Gunny, you said…”

Gunny scowls, “I meant get her *hair* off her face, I wanna kiss this bitch!”

What do you think?

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