2 years ago when i was 20 years old, i had fallen into a very long and horrible depression episode where many things in my life were falling apart. I would lay down on bed for days and hardly crawl to use the bathroom. I lost so much weight, my sleeping schedule was fucked and i wouldn’t even be on my phone cuz it will be dead and id be too tired to plug it in so id just stay in bed for 2-3 days then plug it in and use it to watch youtube vids till it runs out again. this has lasted for 2 whole months, and i’ve been through depression episodes before but this was absolutely the worse.
during all of this, trash cluttered in my room and there was a dead cockroach laying down on the floor besides my bed, i’d stare at it for hours when my phone is dead, i would just look at it and think about how much it resembled me, in so many ways. It’s dead there, no one is looking for it, it was gross looking, it wasn’t needed or wanted, it was useless, exactly like me. sometimes i’d look at it and cry, other times i’d look at it and get so angry, and other times and just laugh at how strongly this cockroach resembled me.
One day after my phone charged up, i opened it to see something that triggered the shit out of me, it was a video of all my friends hanging out together, and as pathetic as that sounds, it just ruined me. I cried so loudly and kept pacing my room not knowing what to do with myself. i panicked, didn’t breathe, hit myself, i just didn’t know what to do with such emotions and the only thought in my head was “i will do it i will end my life, i will fucking do it i wanna die”. I ended up falling to the floor so dramatically right besides the dead cockroach and i stared at it. idk what it was, that caused the cockroach to fucking get up and walk away. I WAS SO CONFUSED I STARTED LAUGHING SO HARD WHILE CRYING MY SOUL OUT .. it was sad and funny also shocking just seeing my friend cockroach suddenly walking away when i thought it was dead, maybe cuz i got so close to it, it freaked out and walked away but that also made me think, if it was alive why was it there this whole time.
i laughed too much i thought i was about to pee myself so i go to the toilet, then i go to stock up on water, i look at the fridge and think “hey, i haven’t eaten meat in a long time” i order some, then cook it. i think “hey, i need to watch something while eating this meat”, so i open up a movie. i watch it, i like it so much that it inspires me to paint. I paint, my arms feel weak and i google up exercises for arms. I start taking walks and listening to music. i cleaned up my room and started reading again.
idk it was just something about that cockroach, that made me think of how horrible i was for assuming it was dead and that there was not much of a future for it, but it simply got up, and i did the same. this makes me remember what my mother told me, is that when i was first born the first words that were ever said to me “she looks like a moldy cockroach” – my asshole brother –
and also my love for cockroaches, i remember making a presentation about them when i was in middle school when we were asked to make presentations about an animal we think is unique. I also remembered how me holding on to cockroaches in school drove my bullies away, where i would throw dead cockroaches i find at them if they every tried to bully me in any shape or form. and it also reminded me about how i bonded with my first love ever, in the school’s stalls when her and i reached to hold the dead cockroach at the same second to go scare some annoying girls.
i don’t think i mind being resembled as a cockroach anymore. id take that proudly.
#cockroach #saved #life #roffmychest