*Video begins. If the Youtuber has an intro of sorts, it is skipped. The video fades in to a darkened version of their room. The Youtuber, asleep on their bed/floor, wakes up confused.*
Youtuber: “Wh-what am I doing here…?”
*Evil clone of Youtuber appears from thin air*
Evil clone: “You must review it.”
Youtuber: “I have no idea what you’re talking about, I don’t know how you got into my house, just leave me alone!”
Evil clone: “You have no idea what I’m talking about? Maybe you’ll be a little more informed when you see… THIS!”
*The evil clone pulls out Sonic 06.*
Youtuber: “N-no! Not that! Anything but that!”
Evil clone: “It’s destiny, you need to do it someday, your fans will always yell at you for it if you don’t.”
*Youtuber sighs*
Youtuber: “You’re right but… why are you in my house?”
Evil clone: “Silence! No questions, just play the game!”
Youtuber: “Fine, just, give me the game, okay?”
*The evil clone hands him the game. The Youtuber looks at the game for a solid second, before getting up to go play it. The review begins.*
Youtuber: “Oh god… I can’t believe I’m doing this.”
*For this next section, the footage used will be Sonic’s old commercials, particularly the “Genesis does what Nintendon’t” ads.*
“Sonic the Hedgehog 1, 2, 3, and Knuckles…
*A random Knuckles and Knuckles meme appears on screen for a second*
“…were games that everyone remembers fondly, and there’s a good reason why! These games were fun 2D platformers, with the main gimmick being just how FAST Sonic was. With each game came faster and faster movement, with levels designed to complement said movement.”
“But as time went on, games like Super Mario 64 and Ocarina of Time were setting the stage for future 3D games, Sonic sure did take a while to make his jump. And when he did, it was… rough.”
*The famous “Watch out, you’re gonna crash!” clip plays.*
“While Mario was making extremely large leaps in terms of his level design, Sonic’s games were strangely designed, with lots of glitches and silly moments. Sonic no longer felt like a series that could go toe to toe with Mario. It now felt like a joke, a shadow of his previous self.”
*Shadow the Hedgehog appears on screen.*
“No, not you!”
“But either way, with how things were going, Sonic was not on a good track. But hey! Now the year is 2006, and 3D games are becoming more and more refined! Maybe we could get a good 3D Sonic game this time?”
*Sonic 06 title appears.*
“Oh god, please help me.”
“Sonic 06… a game where…”
*Youtuber shows Sonic walking upside-down on a loop*
“…ugh.”
“Just where do I even begin with this game? I guess I’ll start with the story…”
“Sonic’s stories were never quite the reason you’d play his games. Now, to be fair, neither were Mario’s, however Mario never really TRIED to do that? Sonic, on the other hand, feels like they tried to make a story and failed… miserably.”
“The game begins and- OH GOD!”
*Elise’s first appearance is shown here.*
“Oh my god, who thought this was a good idea! Sonic is a cartoony game, we don’t need real people here! At least it can’t get worse- AHH!”
*Eggman’s first appearance is shown here and zoomed in to better keep the focus on him. This then cuts back to reality where the Youtuber is playing on his couch with the evil clone watching behind him. The Youtuber then puts the controller down, stands up, and looks at his evil clone directly in the eyes.*
“Look man, I really don’t want to do this, just get out of my house or I’m gonna call the cops.”
Evil clone: “You are? Well why don’t you look at that table that was in front of your couch?”
*The Youtuber turns around to look at his table.*
Youtuber: “What are you talking abo- AH!”
*The table has disappeared.*
“Where did my table go?! It was just here a second ago!”
Evil clone: “Not just that, why don’t you take a look at what replaced it?”
*The camera zooms in to reveal that the table has been replaced with a copy of Sonic 06. The Youtuber picks it up.*
Youtuber: “How on earth did this get here…?”
Evil clone: “If you don’t play and review Sonic 06 right here and right now, I’ll turn everything in this house into copies of Sonic 06, including you. And as my power grows, I’ll be able to take over not only the rest of this town, but the rest of the country, and then the rest of this world, and then the rest of the universe. So sit back down, and get back to playing the game.”
*The Youtuber reluctantly sits back down and gets back to playing*
Youtubers internal monologue: “If I don’t do this, the entire universe could be turned into copies of Sonic 06. The fate of everyone is on my shoulders. I can’t go back now.”
Youtuber: “So, uh, as I was saying, the story, yeah, it’s not great. It’s not like it’s anything too bad, which is not something I can say for the rest of this game, believe me, but it’s nothing good. I’m not gonna get too spoilery, even though you frankly don’t wanna play this game period, but basically, a princess named Elise gets captured by Dr. Eggman, and Sonic must travel to save her. Along the way he meets Silver, and…”
*The “It’s no use!” clip plays.*
“…we’ll get to that soon, but basically, first he thinks Sonic is a bad guy and tries to kill him, but later he learns Sonic is a good guy! His partner is Blaze, who is a cat. And also Shadow’s here too, alongside…”
*Rouge appears on screen.*
“Madameoiselle sexy. Oh my.”
“So yeah, overall, not the greatest story. But hey, maybe the graphics are good, right?”
“Not really either. The animations are stiff, and the character models always felt a little… off to me. They were so undersaturated, to the point where I’d argue it’s the least colorful Sonic game out there. The pre-rendered stuff look alright sometimes, but there’s only so much in game.”
“Furthermore, this game has a lot of realistic character designs, and this was when those types of things weren’t quite achievable yet, not neccesarily due to a lack of hardware, but just a lack of overall skill, plus a low amount of time to work on it, leads to some… REALLY icky looking faces. Ugh.”
“Well, even if the graphics and story are bad, the gameplay should at least be good! After all, a good game isn’t reliant on its graphics or story on its own! The *gameplay* should be what matters!”
“Alas, even Sonic 06’s gameplay is no good. This was the game that almost every other 3D Sonic game up to this point, would use as a blueprint. It began what is known as “the boost formula.” And this has lead to many Sonic games, some good…”
*Shows footage of Sonic Colors.*
“And most bad…”
*Shows footage of Sonic Unleashed.*
“Now, you may be wondering, “what makes the boost formula so bad?” Well, it basically took away most forms of challenge entirely, as boosting made you accelerate at extreme speeds, destroying anything that comes into contact with you. Naturally, it did have a cooldown, but it wasn’t a very long one, which means you could basically hold X to win, with a couple of minor platforming sections.”
“Also, like typical 3D Sonic game fashion, there are several times where you need to play as a different, non speed-based character. These slow down the pace of the game and are just… SO boring.”
“And don’t even get me STARTED on the glitches! They’re everywhere you look, this game was CLEARLY not finished!”
*Because the loop glitch was already used, a video of Sonic clipping through the ground is used here.*
“And the load times, oh GOD the load times! They take several minutes to load, although it’s actually a bit of a positive because I’d rather not be doing anything than playing this game!”
*Extremely sped up video of Sonic 06’s load times are in the background. The speed is in the bottom right of the screen.*
“So, to put it simply, Sonic ’06 sucks. It was rushed, boring, plain, and unfun, which are not good things. Sonic has had other, later games that have many, or occasionally ALL of the flaws I mentioned, but none of them are truly to the extent that this is. This is a terrible game, a true 0/10.”
*Back in reality, the Youtuber puts down the controller, and breathes a sigh of relief.*
“There, are you happy now? I reviewed the game, and now everyone’s safe and you can finally leave me alone.”
Evil clone: “Heh heh heh…”
Youtuber: “Wait… why are you laughing?”
Evil clone: “What, did you think I’d ACTUALLY stop my plans just because you reviewed a game? I’m going to turn the whole world into Sonic 06s. And it starts with you!”
*The evil clone blasts at the Youtuber, as he screams before things cut to black.*
*The screen fades back in, as the Youtuber gets out of his bed in his normal room. He looks to his left, then to his right, before wiping sweat from his forehead.*
Youtuber: “Oh thank god, it was only a dream. I mean, come on, a Sonic 06 wizard? That’s crazy!”
*He goes downstairs, sits on his couch, and turns on the TV the TV displays Sonic 06’s title screen.*
“Hm, that’s weird, I don’t think I was playing that last, and I shouldn’t have left in on, I should turn off my console.”
*He opens his drawer to turn it off, only to see that it isn’t even on.*
“Wait a minute, what? Why is that there then?”
*He tries to switch to a different source, only to realize that he can’t. He then tries to turn off the TV, only to realize he can’t.*
“Alright, that’s it!”
*He goes behind the TV to unplug it, only to see that it’s still on.*
“What’s even going on here? I gotta get some help this is SUPER creepy!”
*He turns on his phone, only to see that it only displays Sonic 06 as well.*
“What the hell is happening here, I need help!”
*He runs out the door to go ask people for help, only to see that outside is nothing but a giant screen showing Sonic 06.*
“Wh-what’s happening?! Why is everything Sonic 06?! Why is nobody here?! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
*It cuts to a very poorly green-screened copy of the Youtuber’s house, except everything is Sonic 06. The Youtuber pops out of one of the copies, and looks around to see what had happened.*
“So it wasn’t a dream… this actually happened… I gotta stop that guy!”
*He opens up his door to realize the guy had already turned everything into Sonic 06’s. Suddenly, the evil clone starts approaching him, ready to fire another shot at him.*
Evil clone: “As my powers are not yet complete, I may find that some of you may find a way to escape my spell. But it doesn’t matter, I’ll just trap you again, this time even better!”
Youtuber: “Don’t you worry, I have a plan. This is all Sonic 06, right?”
Evil clone: “Yes, what did you think they were!”
Youtuber: “So that means…”
*The Youtuber begins running up one of the houses similarly to the loop glitch.*
Evil clone: “Why you!”
*The clone begins chasing the Youtuber on top of some houses, but eventually the Youtuber slips and falls down. Keep in mind that what happens here is clearly all edited. The evil clone eventually does a force choke-like hold on the Youtuber and slams him into a wall. The Youtuber slowly tries to get up, but his damage makes it very difficult. The evil clone begins to approach him.*
“Any last words?”
Youtuber: “Yeah. Did you check where you were throwing?”
Evil clone: “What are you talking about?!”
Youtuber: “Well, since this is Sonic 06 and the collision detection is wacky, you just happened to throw me through an invisible wall. And guess what that means?”
*The evil clone panics.*
Evil clone: “What are you on about? I’ll just shoot you with this and destroy you!”
*The evil clone starts shooting at the Youtuber, only to see his shots get blocked by the invisible wall.*
“How could this ever happen to me!”
Youtuber: “It’s simple. Even fate knows Sonic 06 is a bad game.”
Evil clone: “What the heck?! How could this happen to me?!”
*He begins to fall to his knees.*
Youtuber: “I wouldn’t fall to your knees if I were you, the collision there isn’t comple-“
*The evil clone falls through the ground. He yells out one last cry to the Youtuber.*
Evil clone: “I’ll get you back for this! You haven’t heard the last of meeeeeeeeeeeeee!”
*The Youtuber ignores him completely. He looks around to see the town changing back into a normal town.*
Youtuber: “Well, that took care of that. Time to live life as normal again.”
*The Youtuber’s phone starts ringing. The song is Slider from Super Mario 64. He picks it up and puts it to his ear.*
“Hey dude, what’s up?”
Friend on the phone: “Hey dude, I just had this crazy dream, it was my house, but no matter what I did, everything in there kept playing Sonic 06, no matter what I did!”
Youtuber: “Wow… sounds crazy!”
Friend on the phone: “I know right! Anyways, you wanna come over to my house and play a game or something?”
Youtuber: “Yeah sounds great! Let’s play… Super Mario Galaxy. How does that sound?”
Friend on the phone: “Awesome!”
*The Youtuber hangs up and begins walking away while the camera stands still. Their endcard is displayed as normal, but there’s no music, and the background is still the shot of the town.*