Everyone’s got that one movie, right? You know what I mean. That one favorite film you watch every now and then over and over again? That one that never gets old no matter how many times you’ve seen it?
Everybody has a favorite.
Everyone except me.
I’ve seen a lot of movies. I’ve got subscriptions to just about every movie service you can think of. That’s how much I’ve wanted to find a film that really means something to me. I know how stupid it sounds, but I used to watch my Dad’s favorite movies with him a lot growing up, and he would tell me that one day I’d have a favorite movie of my own to show my own family when I was older. I guess I just really wanted that.
I’m still looking. I haven’t found that perfect movie, not yet.
But, in my search for the perfect film, I did manage to find….something else.
That’s what I’m here to tell you about.
I’ve looked a lot on the internet about what it could be. Some people use the term “lost movie”, but that just sounds like an urban legend, and the movie I saw….was definitely real.
I was on my way home from work, and the rain was coming down pretty hard. I don’t know what happened, but it got so bad that the windshield wipers on my car couldn’t clear the water, and I could barely see where I was going. Nervously, I drove down the one road I could actually see until the rainfall suddenly stopped hitting my vehicle. I could still hear the rain outside, so I knew it hadn’t stopped. The bad weather had made it pretty dark outside, so I couldn’t see much. There were some trees above me, which was probably what had blocked some of the rain. In front of me was a plaza with some stores. I figured that since my car couldn’t cut through the rain, I was going to have to wait it out and hope it didn’t take all night.
Directly ahead was a clothing store- there were multiple of those, and next to them was some kind of takeout restaurant to the left. On the right, there was what looked to be a store similar to Blockbuster or Family Video, but it was called Watch-In. I’d never heard of Watch-In before. I figured it was probably an independent small business.
“Ah, what the hell, why not.” I said as I got out of the car, put up my umbrella, and went inside the store.
The place looked a lot bigger on the inside than it did on the outside. There were shelves stacked to the brim with movies. There didn’t seem to be anyone else in the store other than a singular employee, a teenager from the looks of it. He waved at me when I came in, but other than that, he didn’t say anything. I even tried saying hi to him, but he just waves again.
Behind the rows of movies was a door leading to a fairly wide back room. I wasn’t sure what that was for, though I ended up finding out a few minutes later.
I looked over the movies available, but they were all pretty common choices. I’d already seen most of them before.
I decided to try talking to the quiet employee again.
“So, do you watch a lot of these movies?” I asked him.
This time he responded. “Yeah, I’ve probably seen about half the movies we’ve got here. That’s actually kind of a lot when you look at how much is in this place.”
Well, the kid had a point- there WERE a lot of movies on the shelves in here.
“Got any recommendations?” I asked. “I’m trying to find something unique. Y’know, something not a lot of people have seen before.”
The kid started laughing at something when I said that. “I think I’ve got something for you. Do you like animated movies?”
“Yeah, sure. Animated movies are cool.” I said, wondering what he had in mind.
“Alright, cool.” The kid said. “Do you know Despicable Me?”
Seriously? That was his best suggestion? “Uh, no offense, kid, but like- everyone- knows that movie. Besides, I’ve seen all three.”
“I don’t think you’ve seen this one before”, the kid said as he pulled out a movie titled ‘Despicable Me: The Despicable Destiny of Gru’. I have to admit- THAT was new to me. The movie had a pretty bizzare cover image of what looked like Gru floating into exploding strobe lights, but that didn’t really bother me.
“Alright, kid, you got me there. I’ll take it.”
After that, he went back to being quiet as he wordlessly rang up the movie and I paid for it. I turned to leave, but the kid opened the door to the back room and motioned for me to come inside.
“You do know how this place works, right?” the kid asked. “I’d normally show you to a viewing room, but since you’re the only one here, you can pick whichever one you want”.
By this point I was getting curious. I followed the kid into the back room and once again, I was amazed at the size of this place. There were multiple rooms, each with a small disc player and a TV screen for watching movies on. I guess that DID explain the name ‘Watch-In’.
I looked outside. Still raining. I guess that meant I couldn’t go home yet. Since I had nothing better to do, I figured I might as well stick around for a bit.
I sat down in one of the rooms and the kid closed the door behind me and walked away quietly. I took the disc out of the case, and plugged it into the player.
Instantly, the most OBNOXIOUS FUCKING SOUND I have EVER heard came BLASTING out of my speakers, nearly causing me to jump out of my seat. It was so FUCKING loud it sounded like the speakers were literally shredding apart.
What the FUCK? I could have sworn I could hear that fucking kid laughing from outside. This pissed me off. I tried to leave this stupid SHIT room, but the door was locked. The fucking door was fucking locked. The mother fucking bitch ass stupid ass fucking son of a bitch asshole fucking door was fucking locked thanks to that fucking kid. I slammed on the door and started SCREAMING, but it didn’t matter. I was stuck inside with this fucking movie.
The Universal Studios opening then started playing, but it sounded like Homer fucking Simpson repeatedly singing “shake that ass” to the tune of the intro.
This was ridiculously fucking asinine. Was that fucking bastard kid gonna go jack my fucking car or something while I was stuck in here?
The Illumination Logo appeared, but one the Minions stared into the screen and turned on a fucking lawnmower, blowing thick wads of grass and dirt all over the place.
We then see the opening of the movie. Gru was in his house playing chess with his brother Dru.
“I am so glad that we defeated the Lorax, brother”. Gru said. What the fuck was Gru talking about? The Lorax from Dr. Seuss? Did I miss something?
“Yes, brother.” replied Dru. “He was truly formidable. As was the Cat in the Hat. But WE DEFEATED THEM!” he said, yelling suddenly.
Dru was obviously extremely proud of this accomplishment. He began jumping up and down until he started fuckin’ hyperventilating and Gru had to calm him down.
“Don’t get so excited, brother. It’s not good for your blood pressure.” Gru reminded him.
“Yes, yes, I know, brother. But now, WE ARE TOGETHER AGAIN! We LIVE IN THE SAME HOUSE NOW!” Dru fucking SHRIEKED as he started coughing.
“Dru, what did I just say? You need to calm down!” Gru said.
“But brother, it is so exciting! We live in the SAME HOUSE NOW!” Dru SHRIEKED again, louder than the last time. “I’M SO EXCITED!” Dru yelled as the fucking ground and house began to shake. Books and shit started falling off the shelves.
“YOU NEED TO CALM DOWN!” Gru SCREAMED at the top of his fucking lungs, which is NOT how you calm someone down.
“BUT BROTHER!” yelled Dru.
“CALM THE FUCK DOWN!” Gru yelled so FUCKING loudly that I’m pretty sure there were special effects and shit on his voice.
Gru swearing was disturbing. He had a more furious expression than I’d ever seen him animated with before. It wasn’t a goofy cartoon-y grimace. It was genuine fucking fury.
The house stopped shaking.
“You can’t just do shit like that, Dru! IT IS BAD FOR YOU!” Gru said LOUDLY to Dru, who was face first in a fucking Cheeto bag, not listening to a single fucking word Gru was saying.
Gru looks around, but there are no Minions.
“I guess the Minions did not stick around after last time.” He said.
Dru laughed evily. “Brother, I sent the Minions on a mission. An EVIL mission.”
Gru then became angry again. “How long have they been gone for?” he asked.
“A few weeks” Dru said.
Dru’s expression then changed to one of shock and horror. Oh no. They have been gone too long! THEY ARE IN TROUBLE!”
“WE MUST GET THEM BACK!” Gru yelled, and so Gru and Dru get in a helicopter to save the Minions. This was apparently not the first time they’d lost the fuckin’ Minions for some reason, probably because Gru was technically supposed to be a good guy now.
Dru tells Gru that the Minions are apparently stuck in fucking Antarctica, so they get in a fucking jet and fly to Antartica, I guess.
Gru and Dru eventually get to Antartica and start flying over the big-ass fuckin’ mountains there, looking for Minions. Dru pointed out the window at some weird, orange, pulsating light that was coming out of one of the mountains.
“Look, brother! Something is there! Maybe it is THE MINIONS!” Dru yelled with excitment.
Gru steered the jet towards the light.
But the light wasn’t the Minions.
The fucking Molten Man from Spider-Man: Far Frome Home BURST out of the fucking mountains, causing a huge avalanche and spewing fire and shit everywhere, which made no fucking sense because it was fucking Antartica. Not to mention the Molten Man in that movie wasn’t even supposed to be fucking real. I only even remember that because I saw the movie last weekend and some kid fucking chunked beans right into my popcorn during the big plot twist, which made it pretty fucking memorable, all right. Sorry for the spoilers, I guess.
“WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?” Dru SCREAMED, which was a pretty good question, considering Illumination didn’t have the liscensing rights to a fucking Disney-owned character showing up.
“LOOKING FOR YOUR FUCKIN’ MINIONS, BIATCH?” Molten Man yelled in a deep, guttural voice. At this point, I was in sheer fucking denial over this movie. How the fuck did this exist? WHY the fuck did this exist? I tried to leave the room again, but the fucking door was still locked.
I sat back down to see Gru pulling out a fucking rocket launcher as Molten Man threw fuckin’ fireballs everywhere. Molten Man kept making these fucking disgusting innuendos about balls, which was really fuckin’ unnerving.
“Dru! We need to kill this guy! Give me something that can put out a fire!” Gru yelled. I expected Dru to give Gru like, an ice gun or something, but instead, Dru pulled out a fucking gasoline gun and fired it at Molten Man, which just caused him to grow like 50 fucking feet bigger.
“GAS? ARE YOU FUCKING DISABLED, DUMBASS?” Molten Man SCREAMED at Dru.
“Dru! For fuck’s sake, gas makes fire STRONGER! Give me ice or some shit!” Gru yelled.
Finally, Dru gave Gru an ice grenade, which Gru threw at Molten Man, freezing him into a big fucking icicle.
“LET’S GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE, BROTHER!” Dru SHRIEKED, but Gru was determined to fucking annihilate Molten Man instead.
“No, brother! We have to find the Minions!” hollered Gru as he flew the jet at like mach fucking 5 straight through the now-frozen Molten Man, who shattered into tiny pieces.
Gru and Dru then got out of the jet and tried to find the Minions, but there weren’t any Minions there.
Dru then found a bag of fuckin’ Doritos on the ground and took it.
Gru and Dru then try to get back in the jet, but the Doritos bag started fuckin’ shaking, and, I shit you not, Bill Cipher from the cartoon Gravity Falls erupted out of it.
I guess this was kind of funny, because Bill Cipher looks like a fuckin’ dorito, but again, wasn’t he technically a Disney character? How the fuck was Illumination doing this?
“HEY! MY NAME’S BILL CIPHER!” Bill fucking SCREECHED in his annoying, high-pitched voice. “LET’S MAKE A DEAL!”
“I’ll make YOU a FUCKING deal!” Gru SHOUTED. “Give me my FUCKING Minions back!”
Bill Cipher tells Gru and Dru he will give them the Minions back if they help him out with something he’s working on.
Dru then agrees to the deal like a fucking idiot before Gru can even say anything, and so now Gru and Dru have to help Bill do some shit that he didn’t even specify.
Bill started chanting in fucking reverse Latin as the X-files theme song began to play, which summoned an army of Minions. Also, they all had glowing red eyes for some fuckin’ reason.
“Oh, look, brother. There’s the Minions.” Dru said.
“Alright, you triangular FUCK, what do you want US to do?” Gru furiously yelled at Bill.
Bill stared into the camera and laughed for 20 straight fucking minutes. Yes, I fucking counted, because I had literally nothing else to do considering I was stuck in this fucking room with this bitch ass door that wouldn’t open.
“I need you two to deal with someone who’s been causing me a lot of trouble.” Bill finally said. Bill then teleported Gru and Dru to fucking Hogwarts and told them to find and kill Harry Potter.
What. The Fuck. Was going on? Harry fucking Potter? Why was Harry Potter in this fucking movie? After recovering from the initial shock, I realized that the entire fucking movie was suddenly in live action, except for Gru and Dru, who were still animated. Bill Cipher was now a fucking realistic corn chip with an eye drawn on in magic marker, dangling from a shitty brown piece of string.
The students at Hogwarts, who were also real people, saw Gru and Dru and IMMEDIATELY began fucking SHRIEKING and firing magic spells at them.
“Oh shit, brother! RUUUUUUUUUN!” Gru screamed as he ignited a fucking jetpack and started flying through the school, crashing straight into Professor Dumbledore’s class.
“What the FUCK?” Dumbledore hollered before foaming at the mouth and having a fucking panic attack. “VOLDEMORT IS HERE!” Dumbledore screamed as he pointed at Gru.
“WHO THE FUCK IS VOLDEMORT?” Gru shrieked before Dumbledore started firing magic spells at him.
Dumbledore then muttered “fuck this” under his breath, put down his wand, and whipped out a fucking Glock 9 millimeter before leaping in the air in slow motion and trying to shoot Gru and Dru with it as “Gangsta’s Paradise” began playing.
Dru then showed up out of nowhere and dropped a fucking chandelier on Dumbledore’s head.
Dumbledore fucking died.
Gru and Dru then proceed to dump Dumbledore’s limp coprse out the fucking window. Dru picked up Dumbledore’s wand, made some disturbing joke about “morning wood”, and followed Gru out of the classroom.
Gru then started asking people if they knew where Harry Potter was. Everyone started pointing towards a big-ass door in the center of the hall, which Gru fucking kicked down somehow, even though it was like 20 feet tall.
Harry Potter was inside the room, talking to his friends Ron and Hermione about building a fucking magical water bong.
Suddenly, Sonic the fucking Hedgehog appeared out of nowhere, but he looked fuckin’ DISGUSTING. He had no gloves, shoes, or socks, his eyes were little sunken black dots, and his nose and mouth looked like that of a fucking gorilla.
“OOH! OOH! OOH!” Sonic screeched like a fucking banshee as he took a shit on the floor.
Well, this was obviously taking a rather nasty dig at SEGA. I kinda thought people were better than this, but I guess not.
This then cut to a random freeze frame of Owen Wilson eating ass. THIS caught me completely off guard. Where did someone even obtain this fucking image from?
The movie then went back to the Hogwarts scene, and we see Gru fucking shooting Sonic and hurling him into the sky with the force of a fucking bomb.
Harry Potter finally turned around. Well shit, why didn’t he fucking turn around sooner? Was he fucking deaf or something? Did he seriously not hear all of the SHIT that had just happened after Gru came in?
“Who the fuck are you?” Harry Potter yelled in his posh British accent.
Gru didn’t say a word, but instead, he started rolling up his left sleeve to reveal a temporary tattoo on his arm of an orangutan ape shitting bricks into a vat of chemicals.
Upon seeing this, Harry Potter fucking SCREAMED, leapt over a desk, fucking tripped, and pulled out a shitty magic marker (no, not a marker with magic powers, a literal fucking Crayola magic marker, like the shit you can get at fucking Wal-Mart). Harry then started drawing the fucking Dark Mark everywhere before J.K. Rowling herself appeared, told Harry he wasn’t a real woman, and fucking shot herself.
Dru then pulled out a rocket launcher and blew Harry, Ron, and Hermione into bits.
“We did it, brother. We killed Harry Potter.” said Dru, with a HUGE fucking inhuman grin on his face.
“Yes, we did, brother.” Gru said sadly. It sounded like he regretted killing Harry and his friends.
Suddenly, Voldemort himself finally appeared, clapping his hands and cheering. He had one of those big fucking foam hands football fans always wave in the air on.
“WOO-HOO!” Voldemort fucking SCREAMED at a volume so high it sounded like someone shouting directly into a shitty mic. He kept clapping his hands and congratulating Gru and Dru on killing Harry Potter.
Gru sighed, pulled out a fucking chainsaw from who-knows-where, and thrust it directly through Voldemort’s face, brutally killing him.
“Alright, now where is that triangle guy?” Gru asked before Bill Cipher finally reappeared.
“Oh, yeah! Nice work!” Bill SCREAMED. “You killed Harry Potter AND Voldemort! Now I’m going to take over this entire dimension, and nobody can stop me! MUHUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!”
Bill then sends Gru and Dru back to their own universe and gives them all of the Minions back. Dru IMMEDIATELY started having a fucking party, but Gru sighed and went upstairs.
We see Gru in his bedroom as some sad piano music played. He walked over to his dresser and pulled out a picture of his wife, Lucy, and their adopted daughters, Margo, Agnes, and Edith, who apparently all died in a bomb. Yes, that was exactly what the fuck memorial plaque said.
“RIP the lights in my life who died in a bomb.”
What the fuck did that mean? Was it translated out of Chinese or some shit? Also, the entire sentence was in fucking lowercase letters for some reason.
Suddenly, there was a MASSIVE fucking glitch on the screen as Wingdings font EXPLODED out of Gru’s nose and ass, and then the movie went back to normal. I’m pretty sure that was just a technical glitch, but it was really loud, and kind of unnerving.
Gru then realizes Bill Cipher could probably bring back his family. Gru ran downstairs and told Dru they were going to find Bill Cipher again.
“DRU! I must get my family back. That triangle guy can do it. I must get them back. I MUST!”
Dru tells Gru that he’s willing to do it, because frankly, letting Bill Cipher destroy the entire Harry Potter universe just so they could get the Minions back was kind of a dick move.
So, Gru and Dru and all the Minions build a portal back to the Harry Potter universe to they can go defeat Bill Cipher and force him to bring Gru’s family back. They go through the portal, but everything has already gone to shit. Hogwarts had been turned into a giant fucking trash can.
Gru and Dru use their army of Minions to stack on top of each other and make a ramp all the way up to the top of the 60 foot trash can.
Finally, they get to the top of the trash can, and floating above the lid was Bill Cipher, whose back was turned to Gru and Dru. I don’t think he noticed they were there yet.
“BILL! GIVE ME BACK MY FAMILY OR I WILL KILL YOU!” Gru hollered.
“Will you shut up, man?” Bill said as he turned around with the face of Joe Biden in place of his singular eye.
Gru then attempted to shoot Bill Cipher as music from the movie “Kill Bill” started playing, which I guess was kind of appropriate. However, Bill just dodged Gru’s shots before blasting him with a ray beam.
“BROTHER!” Dru screamed. “HE IS TOO POWERFUL!”
Bill started turning everything into fucking whoopee cushions and shit whilst making loud fart sounds. Dru and the Minions tried attacking him with various weapons, but nothing was working.
Suddenly, Gru sees Harry Potter’s wand on the ground.
“Dru! I have a magic wand! We must learn how to use it!”
Bill threw a fucking 79 mile long tube of Pringles at Gru, but the Minions formed a massive shield and stopped it from hitting him. One of the Minions pulled a spell book out of the rubble and gave it to Gru.
“Thank you, Minion Dave! YOU GET A PROMOTION!” Gru hollered as he started looking through the spell book until he found Avada Kedavra, the spell that instantly kills someone.
“BILL! GIVE ME MY FAMILY BACK OR I WILL USE THIS MAGIC SPELL ON YOU!” Gru SHRIEKED, so Bill brought Gru’s family back to life, because apparently that spell can actually hurt him.
Bill then told Gru and Dru that he’d come back to kill them all eventually, opened a portal, and vanished.
Gru sees his wife and daughters, who are no longer dead, and they all go home.
What a stupid fucking movie. I mean seriously, this was the most incoherent fucking film I had ever seen in my life. Who approved this shit? DID anyone approve this shit? Was it some fuckin’ bootleg made by angry ex-employees or something? Not to mention, this completely fucking undid Gru’s entire character arc over the original 3 movies by turning him back into some B-movie villain! The original Despicable Me movies had actually been funny and clever. THIS was a fucking abomination that fucking eroded an entire franchise.
We then see Gru and his family coming home. Dru resumes having a party until fucking Galactus burst out of the Earth’s crust and started rapping.
“Yo, this is a bitchin’ party!” Galactus yelled.
What the fuck? Another Marvel comics character? Shouldn’t there have been a massive fucking lawsuit over this?
Galactus then started absorbing the entire fucking Earth and trying to destroy it.
Gru didn’t even fucking care. He just went into the bathroom and snorted a fat fucking rail of cocaine off the sink. Galactus was literally outside destroying the Earth, and Gru was in the fucking bathroom getting high.
Dru then BURST into the bathroom, causing coke dust to come blasting out of Gru’s nose.
“BROTHER! HE IS DESTROYING THE EARTH! WE MUST STOP HIM!” Dru screamed.
Then, the Earth fuckin’ exploded, everything went black, and the fucking credits started rolling as “You Got a Friend in Me” from Toy Story started playing.
Too late, I guess.
Suddenly, the credits started playing in reverse as everyone’s names turned into fuckin’ Egyptian symbols and images of old Cold War propaganda started filling the screen.
We see Gru, who was fucking reversing time with the Infinity Gauntlet.
“GALACTUS!” he screamed. “You will feel my impossible might! You will feel my infinite wrath! This is my DESPICABLE DESTINY!” Gru yelled as he snapped his fingers, destroying Galactus and fixing everything.
Damn, was this movie finally fuckin’ over? It felt like it had been going on for like 4 and a half hours at this point.
Everyone in Gru’s neighborhood cheered, and the credits rolled for real this time, although people’s names were really fucking weird. The director’s name was fucking “Christopher Fartini” and the scriptwriter’s name was “Heroin Mc’Weed”. Sure felt like I was on heroin and weed watching that fuckin’ movie.
Finally, the credits ended, and the fucking door unlocked. I could finally go home.
I went out to look for that stupid fucking kid who locked me in. I finally saw him hanging out in the corner, staring at me.
“Did you enjoy your movie?” he said with a dickish shit-eating grin. I punched that fucking kid in the face so fucking hard my hand hurt.
I then went to my car and drove home. It had finally stopped raining, and I was really fucking tired. I checked the clock. 3 am. What the fuck, was the movie really THAT long?
Anyways, I don’t have anything else to tell you at the moment, but I thought people should know this fucking abomination of a film is out there somewhere. If you ever watch it….
#Despicable #Despicable #Destiny #Gru