There was once a universe where every Creepypasta was real and actually happened. It really sucked to live in. Every time you go for a walk a monster would follow you or a teenage slasher would cut you up. Every time you tried to buy something without a label like a video game, a DVD or even a can of fucking soup it’d be haunted, and every time you DVR’d your favorite show it would turn out to be one of those spooky lost episodes. Life was chaos, many were dead or enslaved, the world was a horrific place.
Because of this chaos, Creepypasta monsters became the #1 issue of the 2016 election campaign. Many different canidates presented different strategies for destroying these monsters. Jeb Bush proposed feeding them all guacamole until they explode. Ted Cruz believed that conservative principals could defeat the monsters. Bernie Sanders planned to make welfare benefits so lucrative that there was no point getting a job as a Creepypasta monster when you could just stay home and collect social security benefits. Hillary Clinton’s strategy was to ignore the problem entirely and instead push her core campaign message: “Vote for me because it’s my turn to be president.”
But one man stood out from the rest: Donald J. Trump, popular comedian and scam artist. He vowed to Make America Great Again by ridding the world of evil creepypastas and bringing back manufacturing jobs to the midwest. During his campaign he made a stirring speech to the nation:
“Folks, I’m here to Make America Great Again. Right now, this country is a piece of dog shit, and everybody, EVERYBODY knows it. Believe me! And you know why? It’s not just because the folks at Washington are giving all our jobs to the other guys, or that all the factories are shutting down or that rapists and thieves are hopping over our border in droves. It’s also because the country is full of creepypasta monsters. These days, you can’t even swing a stick without hitting three teenage serial killers and a cryptid. The mainstream media, the Washington insiders, they aren’t doing anything about it! They’re doing NOTHING! When I’m president, I’m gonna drain the haunted swamp and kick ’em all out. No more Sonic.exes, Jeff the Killers or Slendermen! Believe me! Out, out, out! Get ’em outta here! We’ll take their coats too, leave ’em in the cold!”
The election came down to Trump and Clinton. /Pol/ls predicted Clinton had a two million percent chance of winning and Donald Trump would be executed on the spot for treason. Obviously, that didn’t happen. Instead Hillary Clinton lost horribly. Even with the armies of pink-haired whale monsters and triple-voting dead californians (it’s legal because they’re zombies in this universe) she still only won 13 states to Trump’s 37. She won the popular vote, which meant nothing. After her tramutizing failure she ran into the woods to meditate and find peace. Then The Rake ate her.
In the weeks leading up to Trump’s inauguration, tensions were sky-high. In a ridiculously tone-deaf and brazenly stupid move, all the celebrities, news pundits and legbeared feminists began to side with the monsters. Jeff the Killer was interviewed on CNN and actually made some pretty good points about Trump’s lack of impulse control and inability to handle criticism. Then he decapitated the whole panel and ate their hearts to gain their power. It actually made him much weaker. Clockwork was invited to host Saturday Night Live and starred in a sketch where she played Elizabeth Warren. Then she used her stand [ZA WAURDO] and killed everyone in the audience. Jason Vorhees became a senior correspondent on Last Week Tonight with John Oliver. He didn’t kill anyore and was actually a pretty good co-host. There’s talk of him getting his own spinoff. Of course, he isn’t a creepypasta. He has Hollywood connections. (His dad is Jewish.)
But despite the PR efforts of the Creepypasta armies, public opinion of Trump was still about as good as it was gonna get. Then came inauguration day. The crowd was about half as big as Obama’s, but that’s only because the Creepypasta killed about half the people who went to that shitshow. The crowd was cheering, spirits were high, everyone was excited to see the end of the reign of terror the monsters were causing.
But as Trump walked up to the podium to make his speech, the crowd began screaming and running away. Off in the distance our hero, Donald Trump, could see an army of Creepypasta monsters approaching. They were all there, the lost episode ghosts, the evil video game characters, the cryptids, the teenage slashers, the guys who actually do those stupid rituals and the guys from the deep web! The armies of darkness had united under one banner to stop the president.
But our hero, Donald J. Trump, was not afraid! He knew their weaknesses, and he planned to defeat every single monster right there at his own inauguration. He cracked his knucles, straightened his tie and addressed his enemies.
“Listen here, Creepypasta people! I’m not afraid of you!” The Donald announced. “Everyone else might be scared of you, but not me! No sir, I will put an end to your evil deeds once and for all! Believe me! You know I’m tough, I grew up on the mean streets of New York with only a million dollars and a can of spray-tan to defend myself.”
The first column of the Creepypasta army were the monsters. Slenderman, the Rake, the Seed-Eater, an entire legion of terrifying monsters, beasts and cryptids approached the stage, ready for battle. There were thousands of claws, tentacles and piercing red eyes.
“Donald, you fool!” Said Slenderman. “You are not strong enough to defeat us. We are the eldritch horrors that have wandered the earth before your kind even emerged from the primordial ooze!”
“Yeah, and you didn’t get anything done until we showed up!” Donald replied. “You guys are a joke. Everybody knows if you hide under a blanket, monsters can’t get to ‘ya. That’s why I have the world’s largest blanket. I’m gonna put YOU under it!”
Just as he said this, an aircraft flew overhead and dropped the world’s largest blanket on all the monsters. They writhed and howled in pain, but they were completely paralyzed by the power of the blanket. Thousands of SCP agents came out and surgically removed and contained the beasts so that the army could drop them on ISIS in the future.
The next column of Creepypasta monsters were the teenage slashers. Jeff the Killer was joined by a platoon of his own ripoffs, all with cool hair and unique weapons. They were all deformed yet still sexy and they all had sympathetic backstories. His lieutenants, Clockwork and Ticci Tobbi, stood by his side.
“You are Fake Creepypasta!” Donald Trump announced. “You guys aren’t even meant to be scary, you’re just wish-fulfillment fantasies for angst emo teenagers. But I’ve got something for you that’ll stop you dead in your tracks!”
Out of nowhere, a flock of helicopters flew by and started air-dropping the OCs abusive fathers! The abusive fathers ran into the crowd, beating all the serial-killer kids with belts and race-car tracks. They screamed and ran away like cats from a garden hose.
The next Creepypastas were the haunted video games. Sonic.exe played the Blood Whistle as Red from Godzilla NES was rode by Ben Drowned. All the evil video game characters were standing together in a big pixel/polygon army that struck fear into the hearts of shut-ins everywhere.
“Donald Trump, you fool!” Red screeched. “You don’t have the power to beat us. You aren’t the protagonist’s dead girlfriend!”
“It doesn’t matter. I know your secret!” Trump replied. “You only haunt bootleg games and ROMs. So I’m instituting a ban on the sale of any games that don’t have a label and I’m gonna get the NSA to DDOS all the torrent sites. You’ll never be able to haunt another computer ever again! Buh-bye!”
Just the, Mike “Blast the Gays with Tesla Rays” Pence jumped out and began squealing wildly. He shouted “ZAP ‘EM! ZAP ‘EM!” and lightning shot from his finger tips like the guy with the testicle face in Star Wars does. Because the video game monsters were all electronic creations, the electricity destroyed them instantly.
Next up were the Lost Episodes, the largest of all the Creepypasta platoons. Suicide Mouse, Evil Squidward from Squidward’s suicide, psychotic Angellica, the abandoned disney mascots the Seinfeld cast but they’re all lizards and a whole host of other corrupted media characters marched behind their leader, the dreaded Skintaker. He raised his sword up high in the air.
“You are the past, we are the future!” Skintaker said. “Our darkness shall blot out the sun, and the world as you know it will be forever lost!”
“Don’t count on it, buddy.” Trump replied. “I worked in television for years. Believe me, nobody knows more about television than I do. And the big secret about television is that if your show is cancelled, you have no power. So from this point forward, I’m cancelling all your shows!”
“NOOOOOO!” The Skintaker shouted as he and all his minions vanished from existence. All of them instantly disappeared, never to be seen again.
The penultimate group were the creepypasta cultists who do all the magic rituals. “Hahahaha, Donald!” One of them announced as they danced around. “You can’t stop us! We have powerful magic spells that will destroy you!”
“Nobody does better magic spells than me!” Trump said. “I cast all the best spells in the world. My magic is the best. Believe me! And that’s not just me saying that. Everyone I talk to tells me ‘Oh, Donald! Your magic is so powerful’ and they’re right! Because I’m right.”
Donald harnessed his magic abilities and summoned Kek, the dark meme god of chaos to emerge from the underworld and eat all the creepypasta magicians. Then he descended back to the depths of the underworld to slumber and feast. The Creepypasta army was desimated now, leaving only the browsers of the Deep Web.
“Uhhh, hi? Donald?” One of them said. “When we agreed to this, we were all pretty sure the monsters were gonna get you first. Now we all see what a bad idea this was. Can we go home now?”
“No!” Donald said. “You made your choice, now get ready to live with it!”
They were all just normal people with no special powers, so the secret service just shot them.
Finally, there was only one monster left standing, and it was the most powerful, evil beast of them all. The leader of the creatures of the night, the most powerful monster in all of creation, with power so great the mere mention of his name causes billions of souls to weap in agony – The deaded, hyper-realistic EVIL PATRIXXX!
“You may have defeated my henchmen, Donald, but you’ll never be able to stop me.” EVIL PATRIXXX calmly stated. “I am the most powerful monster to ever exist. I cannot be killed!”
“Believe me, we don’t need to kill you.” Donald laughed. “We just have to deport you!”
Suddenly, a bunch of secret service agents jumped on EVIL PATRIXXX and strapped him to a catapult. “No Donald, please!” EVIL PATRIXXX begged. “Don’t send me to Mexico! It’s a fate worse than death!”
Donald laughed, shrugged his shoulders and pointed at EVIL PATRIXXX.
“NOOOOOOOO!!!” EVIL PATRIXXX screamed as he was shot a thousand feet in the air and rocked all the way past the east coast and the south. He landed directly in Mexico, unable to hop over the 100ft border wall Trump built. He now lives in constant torment drinking dirty water and watching tele-novellas all day.
The people who ran away returned. Everyone jumped, cheered and clapped! The crowd went wild with excitement. Donald made his speech as everyone cried tears of joy and sang songs of the God-Emperor’s greatness. Finally, the world was free of monsters and humankind could live in peace.
A million years later, Trump was celebrating his 700th term as Emperor God-King of the Entire Universe. The whole world converted to Trumperism and aliens from distance galaxies told stories of the great leader who rid the strange planet known as “earth” of all evil. On his death bed, Trump was interviewed and asked what he felt his greatest accomplishment was.
“Keeping Hillary Clinton out of the white house.”
#Donald #Trump #Kills #Creepypasta #Universe