Trying to untangle my own mind, would love some honest responses *Trigger Warning* Mild Sexual Content* *Extremely long and personal post*
I am a gay white man entering a new stage in my life and I have found myself thinking about Black Men in an amorous, infatuated manner disproportionate to my prior inclinations. I know, it sounds like the ignorance parade is about to start, please just bear with me so you can decide for yourself whether or not I’m being subconsciously or semi-consciously racist, because that’s what I’m worried about. Also this may get somewhat graphic for those with high-sensitivity towards sexual content.
I am not using the term African American in this post because in fairness, America has not cornered the market on attractive Men of African Descent, and I think it might be kinda jingoist for me to assume that the only Men I’m looking at are American.
I can’t recall a point where I found Black Men particularly unattractive, they were just Guys. Some Hot, some not. Now, however, I have found that much of my internal focus of infatuated thoughts concerning Men’s physicality continue to trend toward Black Men. In-between enjoying these thoughts I am struggling with several problematic ideas about this new mental trend of mine. These are some of the questions I am struggling with.
Is this me beginning to more fully appreciate beauty in Black skin or is this my mind fetishizing Blackness?
Am I trying to understand the black experience through loving a Black Man, am I experiencing colonizer brain, tokening Blackness as something to sexually experience, or am I just finding Black dudes hot because I’ve been unpacking a lot of emotional baggage and some internalized racism during quarantine? Is this a new expression of that internalized racism?
Am I being racially sensitive if I recognize and discomfited by the stereotypes in erotic entertainment portraying Black Men interacting with White Men? Or is it passively racist to engage with this material despite my discomfort because finding similar materials that better encapsulate a more legitimate reflection of the black experience is frustratingly hard to find and considering the systemic and consistent issues black people face every day might be too complex for porn?
Is the fact that I have these questions tumbling around my mind a good sign of checking my own mental state of privilege and lack of awareness in order to truly see Black Men as more than sex objects while still fantasizing about them, or am I feeling the need to justify my desires out of a semi-conscious sense of white guilt?
I could go into more detail, but after this point it would probably get even more graphic and I don’t know much people on this submadghosts want to hear.
These are the questions in my mind I do not have answers for and that continuously run laps around my brain. I would love a perspective other than my own on where I’m at. Cuz I honestly don’t know. Contemplating the factor that much of the racism in our society (from what I understand) stems from a short-handing of a person’s experience and semi-conscious pervasive cultural references that tokenize pretty much every non-cis-white-straight-male experience, I don’t know if I even can find definitive answers to these questions, and if I ever do, every question might be answered with “yes to all of the above in different measures”, but I figured it’s worth it to try.
Please give me your honest opinions, criticisms, and hot-takes. I can’t grow if I don’t know.