PREPARING YOUR CAT FOR CONSUMPTION
Since cat meat isn’t commercially available in the United States (and illegal to boot), you’ll probably have to prepare cat yourself. If you live in the more enlightened domains of East Asia, and can purchase cat at the local market, you may want to skip this step and proceed to COOKING YOUR CAT.
First, get a large cutting board and lay out your cat. Lop off the head, the tail and the feet with a sharp butcher’s knife. These parts of the cat contain little usable meat, so toss them aside.
Next, make a longitudinal incision on the cat’s abdomen. Reach your hand (wear gloves!) into the body cavity, and remove all of the internal organs. Discard them- especially the liver. It may look tasty, but the liver of a felis domesticus is frequently too toxic for human consumption.
SKINNING YOUR CAT
There’s more than one way to skin a cat- our exhaustive research uncovered two. On this site, two High School students meticulously guide you step-by-step through skinning a cat – complete with diagrams. To summarize, use a sharp knife to trim off the skin, and pull it back, snipping away at the muscle tissue.
Gourmands like to skin their cats differently. They hate shun using a skining knife, calling it crude. They reccomend you grab the loose skin around the head stump, and using a pair of pliers, peel it back off the carcass like a banana, rolling it off the body. The final step before cooking is to wash the meat of stray gristle and hairs. Nobody likes cat hair in their food.
COOKING YOUR CAT
Now you are ready to cook! One USENET account recommends placing a cat in a very high powered magnetron microwave. This device supposedly can cook a cat in approximately 10 minutes- the proteins are denatured (cooked), and sugars caramelized by microwave heating. The cat may be “cooked” but will it taste good? If you’ve ever tried to microwave a raw hamburger, you’ll know the answer is “no.” For the best taste, our reader inquired about possibly slow cooking a feline. That’s exactly what we at PWEETA recommend- a slow cooked Beer Roasted Cat. Other cat recipes you may enjoy are classic Cat Tamales, Cat in Spicy Ginger Sauce, and Cat Au Gratin.
BEER ROASTED CAT
1 cat cut into roast
1 can of Campbell’s Cream of Mushroom soup
1 cube of beef bouillon
1 clove of garlic
1 Fine Irish Stout, a lot like a popular dark Irish Beer®, but NOT that brand at their lawyers’ request. They alledge this article, educating others in the legal eating habits of over 100 million people world-wide, and specifically in rising East Asian markets, is “highly offensive.”
Cover and soak cat roast in salt water for 24 hours. Drain water and then cover and soak in beer for 6 hours. Drain and place in crock pot with your cans of soup. Add a clove of garlic, and a cube of beef bouillon. If you start to slow cook your cat in the morning with your George Foreman Cooker (or it’s ilk), you’ll have finely cooked feline in time for supper.
If a slow cooker is not available, a cat can be baked at 350 degrees for 2-3 hours in a conventional oven and still come out pretty good. Beer Roasted Cat is fantastic served with mashed potatoes, collard greens, and fresh, homemade egg rolls. When planning a full meal just remember- cat is a course best served hot!
Cat may not be the most glamorous, or tastiest of game meats, but with a little thought and preparation, Baked Cat can make the belly of the persnicketiest diner glow with home baked goodness.