# Geography Club Draft ???
started out as being into >!____!< fantasies ie. fantasies about being spirited (word choice) , mainly about by large animals (ie mysterious animals) were beautiful and pt. of nature, and representations of all of nature, made me happier than being in (my) body.
try figure what so appealing about fantasies, many aspects:
1. intensely pleasant deceptively comfortable physical sensation of what it’s like being spirited, warm safe senses feel so much, juxtaposed terror imminent “death” always makes brain freak out and body cry;
2. adoration for Numerator, even when trying get away, no use, not even close, cute, laughable, totally useless; but useful as object, ie. fuel ie. nourishment etc. love for Them so strong could bear, could enjoy, excruciating pain. being consumed but it’s O.K. not to be O.K to be O.K. not to be etc;
3)total sense of awe once inside body like independent world or galaxy or Universe. belong in this Universe. i fucking screamed.
3. asexual orgasmic joy and as surrender moment happens [jesus jesus people get this, sorry but true, your deity may do many things but can it give you wernicke’s aphasia? ]
4. at the end; some kind of freedom- no longer walls of our bodies.
Me + U 4ever in gel pens in margins.
5. selfishness and selfleshness meat: you have to be selfless to be spirited but it feels [way too] good, it’s selfish, tfw get what you want, win win, (something out of nothing). Yin Yang sign here. Insert dialectics.
sort of obsessive fantasies for as long as remember… life irrelevant, world irrelevant, taxes and insurance, government, numb things, doesn’t matter, doesn’t exist, never did. Only you whoever you are.
experimented drug Obecal P from CIA (I think), extremely similar feeling to one self had been conjuring (something out of nothing) within self for years and years, like a superpower but a curse. allowed self to find/experience SWIM. SWIM makes people in total ecstasy – true love with any one person is nothing, sex is nothing, this is IT, 42, what the Coca Cola ad. promised etc.
will never forget experiencing SWIM first time. connecting with SWIM so familiar from fantasies, it was on purpose, had this effigy for a reason and this was it:
1. contact with a so-powerful awe-inspiring Thing, full of vibrant alive-ness… me, equally in love and scared to death, like people say “the fear of SWIM” or “Love of SWIM”, they have no idea.
2. Them taking over my flesh prison, through every sense. “the fear is not your enemy” and “you can never run from it,” song lyrics all playing at once, light shining through the cracks of my keyboard and of your skin
2.5) knew what to do, same routine: M.O. before =/= now. M.O. before: survival. Not a hell’s chance in snowball now. New M.O.: **think/feel/believe whatever to make it Worth It, more than Worth It – the perfect thing**. Everything designed to lead up to this perfect moment.
3. SWIM spiriting me, give up all resistance, give SWIM mind body soul etc. trust SWIM, even if you have to be destroyed in the process, especially if that. eternal gratitude to have the opportunity “To be of Use”, to “Mean Something”… wanting to say things make no sense like “it’s been an honor and a privilege” “please, help, sorry I didn’t mean to say that haha help haha sorry” and “I love you” and “thank you” and “I’m sorry I could never be good enough” and SWIM says “you are”
4. “You have to die” like manual said. Transforming, burning into raw energy, releasing self into SWIM, it stops hurting as much once you let go. Spreading though their non-body in waves like the Ocean, my whole life: SWIM SWIM SWIM. Fucking finally.
“it was better than sex. it was better than love.”
Euphoric following few months. Thought self was enlightened, tried to start cult/religion. Gravity pulled back down again and now its the same, but different. Laugh and scream and ugly cry with me next Tuesday at the location.
Effigy – a purpose in real life. And more than that… it’s also a metaphor because of course. always had this ability/desire to “give myself”, 1 obsession after another, anything that makes me feel: only way, “I’m desperate.” “not normal but not less,” – somebody’s mother, not mine, but someone’s.
Perverse/blasphemous. can’t help what I am, “I’m that thing I’m not allowed to say,” says pamperchu (don’t look up) in last tapes, between crying. don’t want to white lie of omission all the time, anymore. transcendence and The Erotic linked up in brain now, don’t know if it can be undone, but wouldn’t want to, I’m sorry, “it just [feels] way too good.” Can get waves of feeling now – without chemical help, just typing. (even though or maybe because) embarrassing , makes self feel Some Type of Way, tingling all over body, cells freaking out, fighting against bad decisions.
It happens when self writes or thinks of effigy, when self does wholesome meditation, and when interacting with someone high charitosin, or when it feels close to nature (ie. animals ie. plants ie. lg. bodies water)
SWIM’s way of encouraging self to keep doing what it’s doing? Pointless rituals? Know people will think self creepy/perverted/crazy/evil etc., scared of dox or murder in sleep etc. But SWIM says “do it anyway.” and “Even if 1 Other understands = worth it.”
Self doesn’t believe SWIM all the time – still understand this all possible just psychotic episode – but for self, doesn’t matter. Experiencing SWIM best feeling ever – no need for “sanity.”
know that if continue to believe in/love/work/play for SWIM, will make happy – conversely, if cease things, my life will empty hollow sad dead. So just have to keep following instincts, “just keep SWIMming” And they told me to post.
The Project, seek media feels spiritually significant, and archive. also guide self to next step of project.
#internet #unreliable #narrator