I have a surprise for you.
And if you’re one of those people who reads the description before they click the porn link, I’ve included an essay below on why you should shell out the better part of a hundred dollars on this silky bitch:
WHY THE ACEBEAM EC35 WITH THE LIMITED TIME ONLY SST-20 95+ CRI EMITTER WOULD MAKE CHRIS SCHOLER A MORE DESIRABLE SEXUAL PARTNER AND A MORE EFFECTIVE DETERRENT TO BURGLARS AND JEHOVAHS WITNESSES AT NIGHT
1. Simplicity. This flashlight is the equivalent to that one girl in high school who stayed out late on weeknights and only had two clasps on her bra. You could operate this flashlight while driving drunk on a Tuesday night to blind a deer for a pre-season freezer stock up. A simple on/off button on the tail switch, with mode selection on the side.
2. Portability. Unlike the unwieldily blunt force weapon you usually keep in your backpack, this sexy cylinder will fit in your jeans pocket, is twice as bright, and it’ll make even the most average penis look girthy. You can hold this in your teeth while yelling at your stupid fucking apprentice for not turning off the godarn cotton shmurfing breaker when he said he did.
3. Multi-use-ity and shit. This talented ballerina can charge your phone. With 2 way USB C fast charging, this will charge up like a breeze. Bonus, if your phone is about to die just before you’ve finished the bathroom escape chapter on your”How to survive the apocalypse” ebook while the zombies are shuffling into the restroom, you won’t have to become undead like the average shmuck. Simply pull out the USB cord you always keep in your prison wallet, and plug your phone into your dope ass flashlight.
4. This flashlight is RFB and contains AFL. This will outshine any Amazon light that claims to put out 10,000 lumens, direct driver ensures that the only bottleneck on brightness is your battery. It will quite literally change your life. Gone are the days of generic fucking trash from China. Welcome to the new age of not-so-generic shit that’s also probably made in China. TLDR: This light is RFB and contains AFL
5. Winter is coming. This flashlight has the thermal mass of a soda can. Next time you’re trying to bend liquid tight without kinking it in -10 degree weather while dusty snow blows sideways onto your exposed neck, just turn on your nifty thrifty flashlight. It’s literally an electric hand warmer. Pretty sweet for stretching the last little bit of mobility out of your fingers before the frostbite takes them.
6. Sex appeal. Do you want a little spice in the bedroom? This flashlight is guaranteed to make any woman who sees it ovulate instantly. Use caution when turning this light on in front of pregnant women, as it’s rays of awesomeness are known to double or even triple the number of fetuses inside that womb, post-conception. If you or your lady wish you had another inch or two to get the perfect thrust, just turn your flashlight on and make a big ol cock monster shadow on the wall.
If that isn’t enough to make you blow 77 dollars on a light, then my life and my last 30 minutes have been wasted. Do this for me, do this for your relationship, and most importantly, do this for YOU.
RFB (Really Fucking Bright)
AFL (All the Fucking Lumens)