Kyle Rittenhouse vs Greta Thunberg

As the sun begins to set in Washington D.C, November 5th 202X, the battle begins to heat up. Anti-fa super soldiers with hot pink ak-47s leap out of electric vehicles and run and fire at the overweight, sweaty white proud boys. Suddenly a lifted super duty pick up truck smashes into an anti-fa battle Prius, and explodes killing everyone involved. The Trump flag flying in the back slowly burns into ashes. The camera pans away from the chaos into the smoldering remains of the white house. Greta is crouched next to Joe Biden’s body, tears steaming down her face. “Joe, please! Sign the New Green Deal! We need to protect Earth!” She cries. Joe coughs, and tells her to lean closer. As she does, Joe trembly cranes his neck, as if to whisper a secret, but instead smells her hair before falling limp. His pants immediately getting soiled as he empties his bowls.

“The old man’s dead.” Comes a voice. Greta’s blood runs cold as she recognizes the voice. “Kyle…” She hisses. She gets up and turns face to face with Kyle and his ar-15. His green shirt ripped, showing his battle hardened muscles, his now long brown hair flowing out of his tattered backwards ball cap.

“Are you going to shoot me?” Snarls Greta.

“No. That’ll be too easy.” Kyle tosses his ar-15 to the ground. It misfires, shooting someone off camera who screams “OW, MY FUCKING ARM!”

Greta smiles, “and so be it.” She says as she unsheaths a lightsaber with a recycle sticker on it. The blade comes out and glows with a feirce green.

Kyle takes out his light saber, that glows bright red.

The two fight for hours, their long brown hair drenched in sweat, their clothes soaked. Their nostrils clogged with the stench of burning energy. In the mist of their fighting they exchange a kiss, brief and passionate full of young love. Their minds the tainted victim of polarized political propaganda. Before finally:

[ GRETA ENDING. ] Greta slices Kyle’s arm clean off, and he kneels like the paramedic he shot so long ago, and he screams a blood curdling scream. “WHY DID YOU HAVE TO BE RACIST?” cried Greta. “I’M NOT RACIST! I SUPPORT BLACK LIVES MATTER!” Kyle sobbed. Greta screams and plunges the blade deep into Kyle’s chest, and he screams an agonized screech as his insides burn with the fire of a thousand Suns, before collapsing. Greta sheaths her saber, and tucks it away. Wiping the sweat from her face she emerges out the Whitehouse, victorious. The streets are quiet. As she waits more and more anti-fa come out of the shadows, and chant her name.

As the years past, gas vehicles are banned, and the streets of the world are adorned with sparkling white skyscrapers, Greta, now an full grown adult watches from an apartment window. A tear falls for the lives lost. A tear falls for Kyle.

[ KYLE ENDING] Kyle knocks Greta’s lightsaber out of her hand, it rolls on the floor deactivated. “DON’T MAKE ME DO THIS!” cried Kyle. Greta with her eyes burning with rage lunges at him, and he slices her head clean off. He sheaths his lightsaber and emerges out of the white house. The streets are quiet. Suddenly a truck roars to life and pulls up, honking. It’s Donald Trump! Kyle cries tears of joy as he climbs in, and drives off. Years later, Kyle watches the city from his apartment. His ar-15, now rusted, sits on a wall. President Ben Shapiro gives his remarks on Kyle’s HoloTV. As Kyle watches the city lights below, he recounts the mass amount of pollution and extinction unfettered capitalism has brought to the planet. He puts on his respirator to go to the grocery store to buy more Synthetic burgers, and cries. If only Greta was here..


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