M&M copypasta

Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels. Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the “loser,” and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round. I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theater of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world. Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment. When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc., Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A., along with a 3×5 card reading, “Please use this M&M for breeding purposes.” This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this “grant money.” I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we will discover the True Champion. There can be only one.

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  1. Whenever 🏪 I 🙅👁 get 🔟 a package 📦 of plain 🌄 M&Ms 🥴🤤, I 👁 make 💘 it my duty 💩 to continue ❓😡😤 the strength 💪 and robustness 😅 of the candy 🍬🍫 as a species 🐒. To this end 🔚, I 👥 hold 🛂 M&M 🥴🤤 duels 🤺. Taking 👫 two 💏 candies 🌽 between 👉👈 my thumb 👍🏻 and forefinger 👆, I 👁 apply 📄 pressure 🛃, squeezing 🙀🤣 them together 👥 until one 🙅♂☝ of them cracks 💉 and splinters 😩🌲😓. That is the “loser,” and I 👁 eat 👅 the inferior 👇 one 😤 immediately 😤. The winner 🏆🏅 gets 🔟 to go 👉 another 2️⃣ round 🔁. I 👥 have found 🔎 that, in general 🤷, the brown 🐴 and red 🔴 M&Ms 🥴🤤 are tougher 💪, and the newer 🆕 blue 🙀💙 ones 😤 are genetically 👖 inferior 🤥. I 👁 have hypothesized 🤔 that the blue 🔵 M&Ms 🥴🤤 as a race 🏃‍♀️ cannot ❌ survive 🙏 long 🍆 in the intense 💥 theater 🙋 of competition 💯 that is the modern 🕸 candy 🌽 and snack-food 🍫 world 🌎. Occasionally 😼👌💥 I 👁 will get 🉐👴 a mutation ☢🕴☣, a candy 🌽 that is misshapen 😐, or pointier 👉, or flatter 🏾 than the rest 😴💤🛌. Almost 🍆💦 invariably 💯 this proves 🔪📜 to be a weakness ❌💪🏻, but 🍑 on 🔛 very 👌 rare 🍀 occasions 🤔 it gives 👉🤲 the candy 🍭 extra 😄 strength 💪. In this way 💫, the species 🐒 continues ❓😡😤 to adapt 👋🏾🐍🌶 to its environment 🌍. When ⏰ I 👁 reach 👍 the end 🔚 of the pack 🙈📦💌, I 👁 am left 👈 with one 😤 M&M 🥴🤤, the strongest 💪😂 of the herd 👎😎. Since 👨 it would make 💘 no 🙅 sense 💰 to eat 🍽🌾 this one 1️⃣ as well 😦, I 👁 pack 📦 it neatly 📑 in an envelope 💌 and send 📩 it to M&M 🥴🤤 Mars 🍑👑, A Division ➗ of Mars 🍑, Inc ✂⁉⚠., Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A 🇺🇸., along 🕺💃 with a 3×5 card 🃏 reading 📖👓, “Please use 🏻 this M&M 💥 for breeding 🍑🍆👉 purposes.” This week 📅 they wrote ✍🏿 back 🔙 to thank 🙌 me, and sent 📤 me a coupon 📋 for a free 🆓 1/2 😣🕛 pound 👊 bag 💰 of plain 🌄 M&Ms 💥. I 👥 consider 🤔 this “grant money.” I 👁 have set 📐 aside 😌🦄💓 the weekend 📅 for a grand 🔝 tournament 🏆🏅. From a field 🖼 of hundreds 💯, we will discover 🚬 the True 💯 Champion 🏆. There can be only one 😤.

  2. Whenevew I get a package of pwain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the stwength and wobustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I howd M&M duews. Taking two candies between my thumb and fowefingew, I appwy pwessuwe, squeezing them togethew untiw one of them cwacks and spwintews. That is the “wosew,” and I eat the infewiow one immediatewy. The winnew gets to go anothew wound. I have found that, in genewaw, the bwown and wed M&Ms awe toughew, and the newew bwue ones awe geneticawwy infewiow. I have hypothesized that the bwue M&Ms as a wace cannot suwvive wong in the intense theatew of competition that is the modewn candy and snack-food wowwd. Occasionawwy I wiww get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, ow pointiew, ow fwattew than the west. Awmost invawiabwy this pwoves to be a weakness, but on vewy wawe occasions it gives the candy extwa stwength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its enviwonment. When I weach the end of the pack, I am weft with one M&M, the stwongest of the hewd. Since it wouwd make no sense to eat this one as weww, I pack it neatwy in an envewope and send it to M&M Maws, A Division of Maws, Inc., Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A., awong with a 3×5 cawd weading, “Pwease use this M&M fow bweeding puwposes.” This week they wwote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon fow a fwee 1/2 pound bag of pwain M&Ms. I considew this “gwant money.” I have set aside the weekend fow a gwand touwnament. Fwom a fiewd of hundweds, we wiww discovew the Twue Champion. Thewe can be onwy one.

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