Rolling Stone’s Top 500 list sucks dick.

Highest ranking Kanye song was #25 and it was Runaway? WTF?

If you ever needed proof that Rolling Stone was a completely dismissable publication, here it is. “Out of touch” doesn’t even cover it. I don’t wanna spend hours on this so let’s just focus on the abomination that was the Top 50 Songs of “All Time”. This excerpt alone should give you a general idea of why this entire list is toilet paper.

Let’s start with the 50th GREATEST SONG OF ALL TIME EVER FOREVER ALL TIME according to Rolling Stone. Are you ready for the reveal to this monument to sound? Fucking GASOLINA by DADDY YANKEE. I fucking shit you not. To give you some perspective to how inept of a choice this was, here are some songs that are officially, objectively worse than GASOLINA by DADDY YANKEE according to Rolling Stone: Blowin in the Wind by Bob Dylan (#100). One fucking hundred. There were at least 50 songs better than Blowing In The Wind and at the TOP of that list was GASOLINA BY DADDY COTDAM YANKEE. Here are some other songs that just couldn’t hold a candle to the influence and power that GASOLINA has: Stayin Alive by the BeeGees (#99), In My Life by the Beatles (#98), Good Golly Miss Molly by Little Richard (#92), Hey Jude (#89), Yesterday (#72)….it goes on like this. These songs are pure piss apparently when speaking Daddy Yankee’s magnum opus GASO-FUCKIN-LINA.

This alone should be enough to tank the credibility of the magazine for life but WAIT–THERE’SH MORE. Royals by Lorde is the 30th greatest song ever written by the hand of fucking man according to Rolling Stone. Suck a dick “I Cant Get No Satisfaction” by the Rolling Stones …you come in at #31 because Lorde JUST edged you out with her undeniable brilliance. Take notes, Mick Jagger. You might learn something.

But not as much as you would learn from the 20th greatest song that God ever allowed to occur—something called “Dancing on my Own” by someone called “Robyn” that came out in 2010. Listen to the song if you haven’t heard it because nobody fucking has. It’s pop trash. But to Rolling Stone, it’s exactly ONE SPOT better than Billie Holiday’s “Strange Fruit” recorded in 1939. Sorry, Billie. Robyn is “dancing on her own” now and the world was never the same.

The 16th most blessed sound to ever grace the ears of God’s children believe it or not has a Jay-Z feature. You guessed it! Beyonce’s CRAZY IN LOVE beats out Imagine by John Lennon (#19), Purple Rain (#18) and Bohemian Rhapsody (#17) to claim their rightful spot as the America’s 16th finest contribution to the world of organized noise. Bow down to Queen Bey, Mr. Lennon. It’s called SONGWRITING–ever heard of it?

But perhaps I’m overreacting. At least the Top 10 is always reserved solely for the greatest of the greats. It’s all leading up to these 10 songs whose importance to the centuries long tradition of American music have no equal. It’s something we can all shake hands on even if the rest of the list is trash. For example, we can all agree that the 8th best moment in songwriting was when Missy Elliot wrote “Get Ur Freak On”. That’s right. The 8th best song ever penned is Get Ur Freak On, duh. Sorry, “God Only Knows” by The Beach Boys (#11)… you should’ve called Timbaland when you had the chance.

But all of this was just leading to what is perhaps the worst choice of a musical opinion ever made by a major publication. If you thought all of this was insufferably confusing and contradictory…prepare your holes for the song Rolling Stone deemed “the 2nd greatest song ever written, period, bar none end of discussion”. Before I tell you, please understand the full implications of this statement: They are asserting that save for ONE song, there has never been a track more influential, more powerful, more important, more groundbreaking, more culture shifting, more well written, more well performed, than what you are about to hear. The Beatles, Bob Dylan, The Beach Boys, The Rolling Stones….all of them and everyone else tried, throughout their entire careers, to write ONE song better than this song and they all fucking failed. It was all in vain once this masterpiece had been completed. I think the choice should be obvious to us all by now:

Fight the Power by Public Enemy. The 2nd greatest song ever, according to Rolling Stone, is Fight the Power by Public Enemy.

At this point, I lack all words left to express my disappointment and will now retire to the kitchen for a short but satisfying suicide.

Goodnight.

#Rolling #Stones #Top #list #sucks #dick

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