You all already know about Slender Man, right? Some of you may even know about his distant relatives, Trenderman, Blenderman, Senderman, and even Tenderman (Never go near Tenderman while at parties, by the way). But, do you know about his long lost great uncle? Sexual Offender Man. Rumor has it, that he still lurks around. Waiting. If you want to contact him instantly, the best way is to go to your nearest Burger King. Order nothing, except for 30 buckets of mayonnaise and a diet water (they’ll give it to you, if you threaten to sue for not allowing it to be your way). If you mix all of the mayonnaise into the diet water, and stir them. A magical vortex will appear, this will take you to the lost civilization known as “The Land of Sexual Offender Man”. Once you get there, a munchkin will greet you by performing the traditional Sexual Offender Man greeting: a smack on the ass. Once you get done, ask to see Sexual Offender Man. The munchkins will then take you to the secret lair. But then, you will see the Sexual Offender Man. He wears nothing, except for a lone woman’s thong, located on his forehead. Instead of having tentacles on the sides of him (like Slender Man), his tentacles are located where his penis should be. You will sit down next to him, and will engage in a nice conversation about the issues of global warming. Then, you will be asked to leave. You will be given a rainbow dildo on a stick as a souvenir, and if you rub it three times, a transvestite midget genie will pop out. Then again, I probably should stop listening to those stories that senile old man keeps telling me. He is JESUS