So for a bit of context, I ๐คก (M19) have been seeing ๐ my friend (F20) ๐since November 2021 and everything has been great and slowly๐ข . She has brought up to me that she ๐โโ๏ธ wants to take things ๐ slow ๐ข because although we have feelings for each other, she ๐โโ๏ธ wasnโt necessarily looking ๐๏ธ for a relationship. Hence ๐ฉ, we werenโt officially going out. I ๐ respected๐ฉ ๐ that and told her that I was going to be matching her pace๐, because I, ๐ myself, was not looking ๐ for a relationship ๐ฉโ๐ฉโ๐ฆโ๐ฆ either, so we were keeping it pretty casual ๐ (i.e. no ๐ฏ sex๐[๐ฆ](https://emojipedia.org/sweat-droplets/)**,** no ๐ โโ๏ธ โI love ๐ youโsโ: those two things were big steps ๐ถโโ๏ธ๐ถโโ๏ธ๐ถโโ๏ธ for her considering she had a bad ๐คข experience previously and she ๐โโ๏ธ wants to take the time ๐ to get to know ๐ฉโโค๏ธโ๐โ๐ฉ each other first).
Although we were just seeing ๐ each other, we ๐ฉโ๐ฉโ๐ฆโ๐ฆ did get to know each other sexually [๐ฆ](https://emojipedia.org/sweat-droplets/)๐คญover time ๐ (it was mostly me that was pleasuring her ๐โโ๏ธ[๐ฆ](https://emojipedia.org/sweat-droplets/)most of the time ๐ก though, with my ๐ hands ๐ค๐ค๐๐๐คโ or my mouth๐๐คฟ). Every single ๐ time, I ๐ would make sure to see ๐๏ธ beforehand what was okay ๐ and what ๐ฆ wasnโt okay ๐ โโ๏ธ๐ with her, because I ๐ wanted to respect ๐ฉ her boundaries๐งฑ๐งฑ๐งฑ. She ๐โโ๏ธ also told me that when she ๐โโ๏ธ gets into it๐โโ๏ธ, she ๐โโ๏ธ might ask for more โ than what she would realistically wish ๐ for (i.e. sex๐[๐ฆ](https://emojipedia.org/sweat-droplets/)๐ฉ, even though she ๐โโ๏ธ wasnโt ready emotionally). I was fine with it, because I thought ๐ญ I could control ๐ฎ my impulses๐๐ฉ. You probably know where Iโm heading with this.
So a couple of days ago, we ๐ฉโ๐ฉโ๐ฆโ๐ฆ got pretty close to having sex๐[๐ฆ](https://emojipedia.org/sweat-droplets/)๐ฉ: we ๐ฉโ๐ฉโ๐ฆโ๐ฆ were rubbing our genitals๐๐๐ฅ against each other (with a condom ๐ก๏ธ on) and we ๐ฉโ๐ฉโ๐ฆโ๐ฆ both really liked it[๐ฌ](https://emojipedia.org/grimacing-face/). Thankfully, nothing ๐ โโ๏ธ major ๐
happened, although she ๐โโ๏ธ was begging ๐ฅบ for me to put it in ๐[๐ฆ](https://emojipedia.org/sweat-droplets/)๐ฉ I told her ๐โโ๏ธ that I ๐ couldnโt ๐ โโ๏ธ๐ and I ๐ was happy that I ๐ could control ๐ฎ myself up until then. However, yesterday, I donโt know what ๐ฆ happened, I just wasnโt in the ๐ค right state ๐ซ๐ฒ of mind ๐ง ๐ฉ and I couldnโt resist it when she ๐โโ๏ธ said to put it in๐[๐ฆ](https://emojipedia.org/sweat-droplets/)๐ฉโฆ So she ๐โโ๏ธ put it in and we had sex [๐ฆ](https://emojipedia.org/sweat-droplets/) for a bit until we stopped [๐](https://emojipedia.org/stop-sign/)and I snapped and realized that I had broken my promise๐คฆโโ๏ธ.
Mind you๐ฉ, this was my first ๐ฅ time and I regret๐คฆโโ๏ธ losing ๐ณ๏ธ my virginity๐ผ this way. But what hurts ๐ค me more is that I ๐ disappointed ๐คฆ her when she ๐โโ๏ธ had put so much trust into me and I just feel broken๐ฅ. I really like ๐๐ her a lot, as she does too, but ๐ฅ after talking a little bit after the fact, she thinks ๐ค ๐ง ๐ฉwe canโt be more than friends after that, and that she canโt ๐ โโ๏ธ forgive me for having non ๐ โโ๏ธ consensual sex๐[๐ฆ](https://emojipedia.org/sweat-droplets/)๐ฉ with her. ๐โโ๏ธ I ๐ completely understands how she ๐โโ๏ธ feels, and I ๐ myself wasnโt ready for sex eitherโฆ But had she ๐โโ๏ธ asked me when she ๐โโ๏ธ had a clear mind, I would have obliged, probably. Iโve been crying ๐ญ a lot. I just feel like ๐ shit ๐ฉ for hurting ๐ค her the way that I did. It feels like ๐ I raped her without wanting to๐ค. Iโve been starving myself and crying ๐ฟ so much because of the guilt๐ฆ. This isnโt what I wanted๐.
I genuinely like ๐ her ๐โโ๏ธ a lot and I still care for her so muchโฆ And I wish ๐ฑ๐ฟ๐ฐ๐ I could be given a second ๐ฅ chance๐ฒ, but I know that that would be unfair for her. I understand that it was my ๐โโ๏ธ responsibility๐ to stop [๐](https://emojipedia.org/stop-sign/)๐คus from having sex๐[๐ฆ](https://emojipedia.org/sweat-droplets/)๐ฉ, and I feel terrible๐ฆ for not having been able to keep my end of the promise๐คฃ. Part of me wants to think ๐คthat itโs impossible ๐คทโโ๏ธ to completely hold ๐ญ back when youโre that far into ๐ณ๏ธ the act ๐ญ (rubbing your genitals against each other๐๐ฅ๐), but I just donโt know. I feel like Iโm responsible๐ฐ for everything that happened and ruining what we had.
Any advice on what I ๐คก๐ฉ should do from here? Am I๐งโโ๏ธjust being hopeless๐?