So for a bit of context, I ๐Ÿคก (M19) have been seeing ๐Ÿ‘€ my friend (F20) ๐Ÿ’ƒsince November 2021

So for a bit of context, I ๐Ÿคก (M19) have been seeing ๐Ÿ‘€ my friend (F20) ๐Ÿ’ƒsince November 2021 and everything has been great and slowly๐Ÿข . She has brought up to me that she ๐Ÿ’โ€โ™€๏ธ wants to take things ๐Ÿ˜ slow ๐Ÿข because although we have feelings for each other, she ๐Ÿ’โ€โ™€๏ธ wasnโ€™t necessarily looking ๐Ÿ‘๏ธ for a relationship. Hence ๐ŸŽฉ, we werenโ€™t officially going out. I ๐Ÿ˜€ respected๐ŸŽฉ ๐Ÿ‘ that and told her that I was going to be matching her pace๐Ÿƒ, because I, ๐Ÿ˜€ myself, was not looking ๐Ÿ‘€ for a relationship ๐Ÿ‘ฉโ€๐Ÿ‘ฉโ€๐Ÿ‘ฆโ€๐Ÿ‘ฆ either, so we were keeping it pretty casual ๐Ÿ‘• (i.e. no ๐Ÿšฏ sex๐Ÿ†[๐Ÿ’ฆ](https://emojipedia.org/sweat-droplets/)**,** no ๐Ÿ™…โ€โ™‚๏ธ โ€œI love ๐Ÿ’› youโ€™sโ€: those two things were big steps ๐Ÿšถโ€โ™‚๏ธ๐Ÿšถโ€โ™‚๏ธ๐Ÿšถโ€โ™‚๏ธ for her considering she had a bad ๐Ÿคข experience previously and she ๐Ÿ’โ€โ™€๏ธ wants to take the time ๐Ÿ• to get to know ๐Ÿ‘ฉโ€โค๏ธโ€๐Ÿ’‹โ€๐Ÿ‘ฉ each other first).

Although we were just seeing ๐Ÿ‘€ each other, we ๐Ÿ‘ฉโ€๐Ÿ‘ฉโ€๐Ÿ‘ฆโ€๐Ÿ‘ฆ did get to know each other sexually [๐Ÿ’ฆ](https://emojipedia.org/sweat-droplets/)๐Ÿคญover time ๐Ÿ•• (it was mostly me that was pleasuring her ๐Ÿ’โ€โ™‚๏ธ[๐Ÿ’ฆ](https://emojipedia.org/sweat-droplets/)most of the time ๐Ÿ•ก though, with my ๐Ÿ˜€ hands ๐Ÿคœ๐Ÿค˜๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿค›โœŠ or my mouth๐Ÿ‘„๐Ÿคฟ). Every single ๐Ÿ”‚ time, I ๐Ÿ˜€ would make sure to see ๐Ÿ‘๏ธ beforehand what was okay ๐Ÿ‘Œ and what ๐Ÿ˜ฆ wasnโ€™t okay ๐Ÿ™…โ€โ™‚๏ธ๐Ÿ‘Œ with her, because I ๐Ÿ˜€ wanted to respect ๐ŸŽฉ her boundaries๐Ÿงฑ๐Ÿงฑ๐Ÿงฑ. She ๐Ÿ’โ€โ™€๏ธ also told me that when she ๐Ÿ’โ€โ™€๏ธ gets into it๐Ÿ™‡โ€โ™€๏ธ, she ๐Ÿ’โ€โ™€๏ธ might ask for more โž• than what she would realistically wish ๐Ÿ™ for (i.e. sex๐Ÿ†[๐Ÿ’ฆ](https://emojipedia.org/sweat-droplets/)๐Ÿ˜ฉ, even though she ๐Ÿ’โ€โ™€๏ธ wasnโ€™t ready emotionally). I was fine with it, because I thought ๐Ÿ’ญ I could control ๐ŸŽฎ my impulses๐Ÿ’๐Ÿ’ฉ. You probably know where Iโ€™m heading with this.

So a couple of days ago, we ๐Ÿ‘ฉโ€๐Ÿ‘ฉโ€๐Ÿ‘ฆโ€๐Ÿ‘ฆ got pretty close to having sex๐Ÿ†[๐Ÿ’ฆ](https://emojipedia.org/sweat-droplets/)๐Ÿ˜ฉ: we ๐Ÿ‘ฉโ€๐Ÿ‘ฉโ€๐Ÿ‘ฆโ€๐Ÿ‘ฆ were rubbing our genitals๐Ÿ†๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ”ฅ against each other (with a condom ๐Ÿ›ก๏ธ on) and we ๐Ÿ‘ฉโ€๐Ÿ‘ฉโ€๐Ÿ‘ฆโ€๐Ÿ‘ฆ both really liked it[๐Ÿ˜ฌ](https://emojipedia.org/grimacing-face/). Thankfully, nothing ๐Ÿ™…โ€โ™‚๏ธ major ๐Ÿ’‚

happened, although she ๐Ÿ’โ€โ™€๏ธ was begging ๐Ÿฅบ for me to put it in ๐Ÿ†[๐Ÿ’ฆ](https://emojipedia.org/sweat-droplets/)๐Ÿ˜ฉ I told her ๐Ÿ’โ€โ™‚๏ธ that I ๐Ÿ˜€ couldnโ€™t ๐Ÿ™…โ€โ™‚๏ธ๐Ÿ† and I ๐Ÿ˜Š was happy that I ๐Ÿ˜Š could control ๐ŸŽฎ myself up until then. However, yesterday, I donโ€™t know what ๐Ÿ˜ฆ happened, I just wasnโ€™t in the ๐Ÿค˜ right state ๐Ÿ‡ซ๐Ÿ‡ฒ of mind ๐Ÿง ๐Ÿ’ฉ and I couldnโ€™t resist it when she ๐Ÿ’โ€โ™€๏ธ said to put it in๐Ÿ†[๐Ÿ’ฆ](https://emojipedia.org/sweat-droplets/)๐Ÿ˜ฉโ€ฆ So she ๐Ÿ’โ€โ™€๏ธ put it in and we had sex [๐Ÿ’ฆ](https://emojipedia.org/sweat-droplets/) for a bit until we stopped [๐Ÿ›‘](https://emojipedia.org/stop-sign/)and I snapped and realized that I had broken my promise๐Ÿคฆโ€โ™‚๏ธ.

Mind you๐ŸŽฉ, this was my first ๐Ÿฅ‡ time and I regret๐Ÿคฆโ€โ™‚๏ธ losing ๐Ÿณ๏ธ my virginity๐Ÿ‘ผ this way. But what hurts ๐Ÿค• me more is that I ๐Ÿ˜€ disappointed ๐Ÿคฆ her when she ๐Ÿ’โ€โ™€๏ธ had put so much trust into me and I just feel broken๐Ÿ˜ฅ. I really like ๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’› her a lot, as she does too, but ๐Ÿ˜ฅ after talking a little bit after the fact, she thinks ๐Ÿค” ๐Ÿง ๐Ÿ’ฉwe canโ€™t be more than friends after that, and that she canโ€™t ๐Ÿ™…โ€โ™€๏ธ forgive me for having non ๐Ÿ™…โ€โ™€๏ธ consensual sex๐Ÿ†[๐Ÿ’ฆ](https://emojipedia.org/sweat-droplets/)๐Ÿ˜ฉ with her. ๐Ÿ’โ€โ™‚๏ธ I ๐Ÿ˜Š completely understands how she ๐Ÿ’โ€โ™€๏ธ feels, and I ๐Ÿ˜Š myself wasnโ€™t ready for sex eitherโ€ฆ But had she ๐Ÿ’โ€โ™€๏ธ asked me when she ๐Ÿ’โ€โ™€๏ธ had a clear mind, I would have obliged, probably. Iโ€™ve been crying ๐Ÿ˜ญ a lot. I just feel like ๐Ÿ’– shit ๐Ÿ’ฉ for hurting ๐Ÿค• her the way that I did. It feels like ๐Ÿ’› I raped her without wanting to๐Ÿค”. Iโ€™ve been starving myself and crying ๐Ÿ˜ฟ so much because of the guilt๐Ÿ˜ฆ. This isnโ€™t what I wanted๐Ÿ˜.

I genuinely like ๐Ÿ’– her ๐Ÿ’โ€โ™€๏ธ a lot and I still care for her so muchโ€ฆ And I wish ๐ŸŽฑ๐Ÿ“ฟ๐ŸŽฐ๐Ÿ™ I could be given a second ๐Ÿฅˆ chance๐ŸŽฒ, but I know that that would be unfair for her. I understand that it was my ๐Ÿ’โ€โ™‚๏ธ responsibility๐Ÿ“‹ to stop [๐Ÿ›‘](https://emojipedia.org/stop-sign/)๐Ÿ˜คus from having sex๐Ÿ†[๐Ÿ’ฆ](https://emojipedia.org/sweat-droplets/)๐Ÿ˜ฉ, and I feel terrible๐Ÿ˜ฆ for not having been able to keep my end of the promise๐Ÿคฃ. Part of me wants to think ๐Ÿค”that itโ€™s impossible ๐Ÿคทโ€โ™‚๏ธ to completely hold ๐Ÿ‘ญ back when youโ€™re that far into ๐Ÿ•ณ๏ธ the act ๐ŸŽญ (rubbing your genitals against each other๐Ÿ†๐Ÿ”ฅ๐Ÿ‘), but I just donโ€™t know. I feel like Iโ€™m responsible๐Ÿ˜ฐ for everything that happened and ruining what we had.

Any advice on what I ๐Ÿคก๐Ÿ’ฉ should do from here? Am I๐ŸงŽโ€โ™‚๏ธjust being hopeless๐Ÿ˜”?


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