The real reason Walt broke bad was because of a terrible handjob

I’m telling you, the real reason Walter broke bad was because he received the world’s shittiest handjob which made him reconsider his entire existence. Your wife yanking around your 50 year old half chub with 10% of her attention while simultaneously borderline orgasming at selling a girthy 8,5 inch vase on eBay for 56 dollars is an experience that people in the darkest bdsm dungeons would be shivering at. I swear to god Walter Jr. is probably having a wilder sex life on the other side of the wall with his sock than these two have had in the past five years.

So when he received his cancer diagnosis the prolonged silence was not due to shock but because of pure bliss and relief because he knew that in a few years he’ll likely be dead and won’t have to live like that.

That’s why when he received the news of remission he was so goddamn angry. And I don’t know why people see the Salamanca twins as villains, they were clearly just tryna help a homie out and spare him from this existence. Oh, but why did they go after Hank then, you might ask? Well, then you clearly don’t remember Hank’s handjob scene from season 4, they were trying to save him from that. Really they were the true heroes of this show trying to save people from fucking miserable, dick shriveling handjobs.

And then, of course, shit starts happening, Skyler fucks Ted and Walt goes off the chain prolly thinking stuff like “bet she didn’t give just a shitty handjob to Ted, oh no! My god, I wouldn’t even be surprised if she agreed to do anal with him! While I’ve been pleading for years!”. That right there’s a thought progression enough to start a man crashing plants in random office buildings. And the way it can mess with your sexual thinking, Lord only knows what kind of cataclysmic insanities Walt was busting nuts to while living alone.

But then Walt has a romantic dinner with Gus, realises there’s at least someone who’d probably agree to have anal with him, meanwhile Ted gets paralyzed, no more anal for him, Walt calls up Skyler “I won”.

Now Walt can be smug for the entirety of season 5, he’s back on top of the sex chain. So Breaking Bad is really about Walt’s sexual transformation from a submissive forced-into-humiliation-kink middle aged man to a borderline sex offender to an off the rails cuck to a pure alpha male who’s ascended past sex and at the end of season 5 we can see him die with bliss on his face because he’s redeemed himself.

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What do you think?

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