TIFU by having an….accident in Walmart
Obligatory this was last summer, but…I have not been the same since. I am also using a throwaway account because my main has personal details that could be used to identify me irl.
Okay, so it was a beautiful summer day, and my husband and I decided to head to our local pool that morning/early afternoon and do some swimming. I don’t swim, but I like to lay on a towel and tan. Everything was great. Feeling great, pretty chill day, right? I didn’t eat any breakfast that morning so I went to the concession stand and ordered a soda and a plain hot dog (yes, I eat totally plain hot dogs). I eat my hot dog, then we decide to pack it up and head to our local Walmart to get a few things before heading home.
Important to mention, I was wearing a bikini top (I put a shirt over it before going in Walmart) and some very short, white shorts (gotta show off my tan, right?). We head over to Walmart and everything is cool. Must also mention, this is an EXTREMELY busy Walmart. Literally every checkout lane is open during the day, and the lines are always backed up. Literally can easily take 20+min to checkout sometimes, even if you go to self checkout.
Anyways, I remembered I had a prescription to pick up at the pharmacy. The pharmacy line is like…stupid long (as usual), but I decide to wait it out, because the line won’t be any shorter later anyway. I’m just looking at my phone, waiting to get to the front of the line. *Important detail*, after I was done scrolling while standing there in line, I handed my phone to my husband to put in his pocket because my shorts don’t have pockets (of course).
I finally reach the front of the line. I give the lady my name and whatever, and she can’t find the prescription. I have a “common” name, but a unique spelling. It’s not uncommon for my doctors to sometimes misspell my name (new doc at the time), so I gave her a couple alternate spellings. No luck. My husband leans over to me and says, “hey I’m gonna run to the bathroom, be right back.” Ok cool. Nows the time to mention, I have SEVERE anxiety. Like earth-shattering anxiety in public spaces. Especially places like Walmart. When I have an attack, I will hyperventilate and sweat. Anxiety also makes my stomach hurt and usually sends me to the bathroom pretty quickly. You see where this is going.
So, as the lady is searching for my meds, I get this HORRIBLE anxiety all of a sudden. I start sweating. Breathing weird. Feels like I am in a tunnel, so many people that are too close to me. Then the stomach pains kick in. I think “shit I’m gonna need the bathroom after this.” I try to be patient, pains in my stomach getting stronger by the second. I finally just tell the lady, “Its okay, I’ll pick it up later.” And then take of full speed to the bathroom. I will say, this was all a matter of around 30 seconds (from the time the pain started until I told her not to worry about the meds).
I’m walking to the bathroom, well, speed walking. I go in and the pain is KILLING me. No one else is in the bathroom (remarkable for such a busy place). But it’s too late. I shit myself. Only not just “shit myself” I mean, I SHIT MYSELF. And remember, I am wearing very short, WHITE shorts (also white shoes with no socks). The shit goes straight out of me, down my legs and into the floor. FUCK. I am horrified. What am I gonna do???? Almost as soon as this happens, a family walks into the bathroom. I immediately go into the stall. I hear a child scream, “mommy someondy puked in the floor.”
I am gasping for breath at this point. Never had anxiety like this before. I reach for my phone to text my husband. BUT HE HAS MY PHONE. Oh…..my….God. I have no idea what to even do at this point. People are walking in the bathroom exclaiming at the mess. I am covered in shit. My underwear are ruined. My shorts are ruined. I take off my shoes, shorts, and everything. Try to clean myself up. The custodial staff enters the bathroom. I am dead inside. I throw away my underwear and put my shorts back on (I can’t leave the bathroom naked obviously).
I step outside the bathroom and put my back against the wall. WHERE THE HELL IS MY HUSBAND??? Nowhere to be found. I see a friendly enough looking female Walmart employee. I wave her over. She’s like “how can I help you?” I had my debit card and a little cash on me, and I gave it all to her pleading, “please go buy me some pants or something.” She’s like “does it matter what kind?” I’m like NO PLEASE I JUST NEED PANTS. I didn’t even care about getting my card info getting stolen at that moment. My life was already over anyway. She ran away to buy pants, and then my husband walks up, “what’s going on sweetie? Where were you?” My back is still against the wall so he can’t see the HORRIBLE stain, so I look at him with all the life gone from me and explain, “I shit in the floor of the bathroom. I have a girl buying me pants.” He looks horrified but not surprised.
The girl returns, I put the new pants on and try to clean up as best I can. Then my husbands like “ummm we need to go pay for what we got.” I also need to mention I was drinking an open Red Bull (was already drinking it before I shit myself). I go to hand the open Red Bull to the cashier so she can scan it, but I SPILL IT everywhere. I start apologizing. Cashier is not amused. I go to the car at this point so my husband can drive me home. I spend the entire ride shaking and freaking out. Took the worlds longest shower when I got home. The end.
tldr: I had a horrible accident in Walmart and had to have an employee buy me pants. I will never be the same.
EDIT: sorry to the people who work at this Walmart.
#TIFU #accident #Walmart