Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

Which came first, the chicken or the egg? While the chicken may be a popular answer, chickens are too chicken to actually be first in anything, so that rules them out. So by process of elimination, this must mean that the egg came first, right? **Wrong.** Eggs cannot move independently, so they cannot come first in anything. Now, some might say that ruling both the chicken and the egg out defeats the whole purpose of the question, but that is defeatism at its finest. In order to determine what came first, we must figure out what is faster than the chicken or the egg. While many would believe that celestial objects, like comets or quasars, are the fastest objects in the universe, they actually move pretty slow, as it takes the Sun (which supposedly moves at 43,000 miles per hour) 12 hours to move across the sky. The fastest object in the universe is found in the nation of France, as its history has been about perfecting the art of going from one place to another; this art form would reach its zenith in the performance art piece titled “Fall of France” by the French Army, in which the French Army went from the front lines to POW camps in a few minutes. After the notoriety of the artwork, multiple knockoffs of the piece began to emerge on the performance art scene, such as Diem Diem Phu and Algiers. The true successor would eventually emerge as the Tour de France, which combined the thrill of retreating through France with the boredom of live television. While the many Frenchmen who tried to harness the French power of retreat failed, there was one individual who was able to harness this power: Lance Armstrong. He was able to outdo the native Frenchmen by being such a big loser through doping that nobody could catch up with him. This heightened ability makes Lance Armstrong the fastest object in the universe. So whenever asks if the chicken or egg came first, you can rest assured that you know the real answer: Lance Armstrong.


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