Medical sphincter stretching is as much a science as it is an artform

As a professional sphincter stretcher this is science. Had an emergency the other day and was speeding over to my client. Unfortunately I got pulled over for speeding. When the cop said where’s the emergency why were you going so fast I explained that I’m a sphincter stretcher and need to get to my client. He looked at me puzzled and asked what is a sphincter. I said you know (gesturing down, slightly embarrassed) you know like your butthole. The cop fires back you mean asshole. I nod. He says what the hell is asshole stretching. I said well it can relieve stress. And it opens up the lower bowels to help remove toxins. He asks so how does this work? I say well you work one finger in, then two and before you know it you got both hands in there. Then you massage the opening and before you know it it’s opened up and the client feels relief. For very high stressed people sometimes you got to stretch that out to 5 or 6 feet. The cop looks at me in shock and asks WTF you going to do with a 6 foot asshole. I said give it a radar gun and pull people over.

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