What story about your pet is most improved by referring to it as “my roommate”?

What story about your pet is most improved by referring to it as “my roommate”?

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  1. Yesterday I had to pin my roommate down to the extent that I had to lock his head under my leg so I could shave around his butthole. There were many complaints and attempts to get away, but the dingleberries had to go.

  2. So I was out strolling with my roommate this one time and then he rolled around in a dead horse. And then the corpse exploded. I had to shower my roommate 3 times in a row that day.

  3. My roommate is very afraid of ferns, but also fascinated by them. She sits in front of a fern, sometimes for hours, and recoils at the slightest movement it may make

  4. I keep telling my roommate not to lick the toilet seat cause it’s unhygienic, but she just wont listen. She seems to be oddly obsessed with my shit in general, so I have to make sure to keep her away from it. She’ll sit outside the toilet door crying to get in when I’m doing it.

  5. My roommate loves to get on the counter and push things on the floor. After that, my roommate will zip around the house like a lunatic, then follow me into the bathroom and inspect the toilet like they’re looking for gold.

  6. Last week my roommate decided to step on the remote at 4:30 in the morning and the tv switched on. I come downstairs to turn it off and find her sitting on the couch, cleaning her bum with her tongue watching McGuyver.

  7. My roommate has a weird thing with seeing other people with roommates on the TV. Every time he sees them he’s gets really upset and starts freaking out. I think it might be a insecurity thing

  8. I have multiple,

    My roomate knocked a hole in the wall with his head, on the corner of the wall.

    My roommate likes to sleep in the sink.

    My roommate used to eat his own sh!t.

    My roommate’s nickname is ‘ furry turd with legs’.

    My roommate comes home with burs and ticks in his fur.

    My roommate got locked in the closet multiple times.

    My roommate likes to eat napkins, papers, socks, etc.

    There’s more but I’m to lazy to Wright em’ all out

  9. My recently washed roommate found a dead eviscerated rodent and rolled in it. She got it all over her neck and coat and then sulked when we tried to clean it off with baby wipes.

    My roommate also commando crawls into our bed first thing in the morning and insists on laying between us. She likes to sneeze in my face to make sure I’m awake so I can cuddle her.

  10. My roommate once broke out of his cage and we tipped the house upside-down to look for him. We found him two hours later standing on top of his cage to assert dominance.

  11. My roommate has a new kitten, and it’s stressing me out. It’s only a week old and she keeps hiding it in weird places around the house, then forgetting about it to go lay on the couch. I find it every couple of hours and put it up to her nipples so it can eat, but I’m worried she going to put it somewhere where I can’t find it and it’s going to starve.

  12. The time my roommate managed to open the fridge, eat and entire turkey (cooked), drink 5/6 beers, and then puked herself to sleep in the hallway – all while I was out earning rent money.

  13. My roommate crawled under the sheets while I was asleep a few nights ago and chewed on my toe until it bled. He then proceeded to lick my face, leaving tiny smears of blood on my face. It made me look like I murdered someone. I locked him in my basement for a while afterwards.

  14. When my roommate first moved in, there was a day when he figured out that I’m usually urinating when I go into the bathroom. So he went in there, peed all over the floor, and trotted out with a big smile as though he was proud of himself for figuring out where to pee.

  15. I dump treats on the floor for my roommate to eat.

    I scoop my roommate’s shit from his box.

    My roommate barfed on my bed again

    My roommate likes to sleep on warm pizza boxes

  16. A couple years ago my roommate escaped the house and attacked some lady’s dog. He ran up to the dog and pushed it to the ground, locking his teeth around the dogs ear and ripping it off. The owner of the dog was kicking my roommate and screaming for help when my brother grabbed my roommate and pulled him off the dog. My roommate went to court and was labeled potentially dangerous and forced to wear a muzzle outside. My dad who is a lawyer appealed the case and won so my potentially dangerous roommate didn’t have to wear a muzzle anymore and he eventually tried to attack two other dogs outside of our place. He doesn’t get to leave the house anymore…

  17. My extremely hairy roommate lost a fight with a sticky fly ribbon and had to be dragged, screaming, into a bath to be doused in olive oil so we could peel the ribbon off of him without hurting him. Then he had to be drenched in Dawn to get the oil off.

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