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What story about your pet is most improved by referring to it as “my roommate”?
What story about your pet is most improved by referring to it as “my roommate”?
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What story about your pet is most improved by referring to it as “my roommate”?
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Yesterday I had to pin my roommate down to the extent that I had to lock his head under my leg so I could shave around his butthole. There were many complaints and attempts to get away, but the dingleberries had to go.
Caught my roommate eating out of the cat’s litter box, he looked ashamed but I could tell he wanted to go back for more
So I was out strolling with my roommate this one time and then he rolled around in a dead horse. And then the corpse exploded. I had to shower my roommate 3 times in a row that day.
My roommate is very afraid of ferns, but also fascinated by them. She sits in front of a fern, sometimes for hours, and recoils at the slightest movement it may make
My roommate screamed and ran to me for protection after a butterfly tried to land on his face.
I keep telling my roommate not to lick the toilet seat cause it’s unhygienic, but she just wont listen. She seems to be oddly obsessed with my shit in general, so I have to make sure to keep her away from it. She’ll sit outside the toilet door crying to get in when I’m doing it.
My roommate really likes to lick my legs in the hope of getting my instant ramen from the dinner table
Had to express my roommate’s Amal glands last night.
My roommate is always getting into trouble. One time, she ate an entire bag of chips and got sick afterwards. She also likes to chew on my shoes.
I had to trap my neighbor’s roommate in a bathroom for a half hour to get his pill down his throat.
My ex didn’t want to break up with me because he was in love with my roommate and was afraid he’d never see him again… 🙄
My roommate loves to get on the counter and push things on the floor. After that, my roommate will zip around the house like a lunatic, then follow me into the bathroom and inspect the toilet like they’re looking for gold.
My roommate ate his own shit yesterday then proceeded to throw it up on the floor and pass out leaving me to clean it up.
My roommate climbs in bed with me after I’ve fallen asleep.
My roommate watches me and my wife have sex all the time.
I caught my roommate dragging his shitty ass across the carpet.
My roommate hung his butt over his food and proceeded to crap on it while looking me in the eyes. He then screamed at me when I shooed him away.
Last week my roommate decided to step on the remote at 4:30 in the morning and the tv switched on. I come downstairs to turn it off and find her sitting on the couch, cleaning her bum with her tongue watching McGuyver.
My roommate can’t lick his own dick because of his fat.
*because of what this implies
My girl has created an Instagram for my roommate so can get famous and start paying his fair share of rent!
I scrape my roommate’s poop up out of a box and flush it for her.
My roommate has a weird thing with seeing other people with roommates on the TV. Every time he sees them he’s gets really upset and starts freaking out. I think it might be a insecurity thing
My roommate crawled into the wall to hide and I lured her out with deli turkey and singing folk music
I have multiple,
My roomate knocked a hole in the wall with his head, on the corner of the wall.
My roommate likes to sleep in the sink.
My roommate used to eat his own sh!t.
My roommate’s nickname is ‘ furry turd with legs’.
My roommate comes home with burs and ticks in his fur.
My roommate got locked in the closet multiple times.
My roommate likes to eat napkins, papers, socks, etc.
There’s more but I’m to lazy to Wright em’ all out
My recently washed roommate found a dead eviscerated rodent and rolled in it. She got it all over her neck and coat and then sulked when we tried to clean it off with baby wipes.
My roommate also commando crawls into our bed first thing in the morning and insists on laying between us. She likes to sneeze in my face to make sure I’m awake so I can cuddle her.
My roommate once broke out of his cage and we tipped the house upside-down to look for him. We found him two hours later standing on top of his cage to assert dominance.
My roommate has a new kitten, and it’s stressing me out. It’s only a week old and she keeps hiding it in weird places around the house, then forgetting about it to go lay on the couch. I find it every couple of hours and put it up to her nipples so it can eat, but I’m worried she going to put it somewhere where I can’t find it and it’s going to starve.
The time my roommate managed to open the fridge, eat and entire turkey (cooked), drink 5/6 beers, and then puked herself to sleep in the hallway – all while I was out earning rent money.
As soon as I get home a sit down to relax, my 100 lb roommate has to stick [his nose under my ass.](https://imgur.com/a/NHGKYVK)
Every damn day
My roommate crawled under the sheets while I was asleep a few nights ago and chewed on my toe until it bled. He then proceeded to lick my face, leaving tiny smears of blood on my face. It made me look like I murdered someone. I locked him in my basement for a while afterwards.
Well, the one about my roommate leaving a dead mouse under the table would certainly be less surprising if it was a cat instead of a human leaving it there.
My roommate once ate a pin and a needle so we had to get them surgically removed
My roommate took a shit in the hallway so I rubbed his nose in it. (I didn’t, actually; I just cleaned it up.)
“My roommate barks at cows”
My roommate likes to eat her own poo and she shrieks at me at the top of her voice if I’m not fast enough bringing her food.
When my roommate first moved in, there was a day when he figured out that I’m usually urinating when I go into the bathroom. So he went in there, peed all over the floor, and trotted out with a big smile as though he was proud of himself for figuring out where to pee.
I dump treats on the floor for my roommate to eat.
I scoop my roommate’s shit from his box.
My roommate barfed on my bed again
My roommate likes to sleep on warm pizza boxes
I had sex with my roommate
A couple years ago my roommate escaped the house and attacked some lady’s dog. He ran up to the dog and pushed it to the ground, locking his teeth around the dogs ear and ripping it off. The owner of the dog was kicking my roommate and screaming for help when my brother grabbed my roommate and pulled him off the dog. My roommate went to court and was labeled potentially dangerous and forced to wear a muzzle outside. My dad who is a lawyer appealed the case and won so my potentially dangerous roommate didn’t have to wear a muzzle anymore and he eventually tried to attack two other dogs outside of our place. He doesn’t get to leave the house anymore…
And then the corpse exploded. I had to shower my roommate 3 times in a row that day.
My roommate likes to watch me use the bathroom.
My roommate strangled a rat to eat for dinner, however he must have done it a bit too hard because it exploded.
My roommate used to sit on the carpet and spin in circles leaving little chocolate doughnut prints behind
One time, my roommate shit on the floor as a reaction to our other roommate yelling at the tree trimmer.
I caught my roommate under the covers last night trying to sniff my lady bits and today I found him rolling around naked in my underwear.
My extremely hairy roommate lost a fight with a sticky fly ribbon and had to be dragged, screaming, into a bath to be doused in olive oil so we could peel the ribbon off of him without hurting him. Then he had to be drenched in Dawn to get the oil off.