Without saying anything a news team hurries up to you, puts glasses, a fake mustache, and a suit coat on you, shoves a mic in your face and says “we’ve finally found a local chickenologist on the scene, doctor, what do we do about the chicken problem”?

Without saying anything a news team hurries up to you, puts glasses, a fake mustache, and a suit coat on you, shoves a mic in your face and says “we’ve finally found a local chickenologist on the scene, doctor, what do we do about the chicken problem”?

What do you think?

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  1. #### The most important thing everybody at home can do right now is to turn off the TV they are looking at right now and leave it off. Whatever you do: Don’t
    ## EVER
    #### watch this channel again. Thank you.

  2. “it is time to face the facts- the chickens are now irrevocably in control of the situation. It is absolutely imperative that viewers seek shelter immediately and do not go outside for any reason whatsoever. I have been advising the prime minister during the drafting of our letter of surrender. May God have mercy on us all.”

  3. “The first thing I learned about chickens in my youth is that they’re less like a bird and more like a man, and this is a man-sized chicken problem we have on our hands”

  4. “Well it seems the new bird flu just hit the markets! This just in, my alcoholic ass is in back on the tables! Hygienic or not? We’ll see later! Back to you Fake-Nameouni!”

  5. “Thanks for having me, Ted. This is a classic chicken issue that we chickenologists have been studying since at least the 1950s, in the buttermilk era. It reappeared in the 60s during the white vs dark meat dispute, and again in the 70s and 80s when spicy fried chicken stood up against classic and crispy recipes. And all these important events in poultry history have one common theme: chicken is delicious, and Americans want to eat a lot of it, right now, preferably fried. We simply need more chicken. Back to you, Ted.”

  6. “Nothing. I’m afraid it’s too late. By now most of the poultry population has been infected by the parasite. These chickens can now think, feel and organize on a human level. If you or your loved ones are near any of these birds right now may God have mercy on your soul”

  7. “At this point, there’s very little we can do. The problem is wide-spread, and even if we did have a solution, which we don’t, applying it would be a logistical nightmare. I think the best that we can hope for now is that nobody panics, everyone stays home as much as possible, wears their masks, gets the vaccine, and questions how a loving God could let this happen. Thank you.”

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